Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from separated wives who are so tired of living in limbo during their separation.  Usually, they had hoped that by now the separation would have been over and that they would be working closely with their husband to save their marriage.  Often, this is not the reality.  Instead, the husband still isn’t home and he may be giving the wife mixed signals or very little hope that things are going to get any better. Much of the time, she tries very hard to be patient.  She hopes for the best and thinks that if she just loves him long enough and waits patiently enough, then this will pay off and eventually he will come back.  When this doesn’t happen, sometimes there are some not so subtle hints or thoughts that it’s time to move on.  Often, the wife doesn’t even begin to know how to do this.

I heard from a wife who said: “I have been separated from my husband for about four months at his insistence. I did not want a separation.  I still don’t.  And I absolutely don’t want a divorce.  But my husband isn’t giving me any hope that he is going to come back anytime soon.  With that said, he hasn’t made any move to file for divorce and says he doesn’t plan to. I’m glad that there isn’t a divorce in the works, but it’s obvious that our marriage isn’t going to pick up where it left off any time soon.  My life is kind of on hold.  I don’t go out.  I don’t  have any fun.  I basically am just waiting for him to come to a decision. My friends all say that I need to move on but I don’t think I’m ready. I’m still very invested in my husband and I don’t want to see anyone else.  Do I have to move on.  And if so, how do I ever begin to do it?”

I couldn’t tell this wife if she had to move on.  Only she could make that decision.  But it is my opinion that you can still move on with your life in such a way that doesn’t jeopardize your marriage or give up your hopes that this will turn around.  I will discuss this more below.

You Can Move On With Your Own Goals And Focus On Your Own Well Being Without Giving Up On Your Marriage:  I couldn’t say with any certainty what this husband was thinking.  He may well have been biding his time until he went ahead and filed for divorce.  Or, he may just have needed more time before he could come to a decision.  Only he knew what the truth was.

The thing is, people often assume that if they move on, they must let go of their marriage or they must give up.  I could not disagree more. I was in this situation once upon a time and I can tell you that you can very much pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on with what you need to do while still giving your husband more time.

My separation lasted for much longer than I ever dreamed that it would.  Friends and family were very gently telling me that the writing was obviously on the wall.  They told me that I needed to start dating again and move on with my life.  Eventually, I decided that I did need to pick up the pieces of my life but I was clear on the fact that I wasn’t ready to date again.

I did take a class that I hadn’t had time for while my attention was on my husband.  I did pick up old hobbies.  I reconnected with friends.  In short, I tried to get myself out of my depression and out of my funk.  I knew that even if I didn’t want to get out of the house, I would feel much better once I did. I didn’t date other people.  But I did go out with many different friends, including some men who were platonic friends who were fun to be around.

This did lift me up and make me feel more in control of my own life.  Also, it made the time go by faster while I was in theory waiting on my husband to decide what he wanted to do.

And frankly, I do believe this ultimately made me more attractive to him. Because it was suddenly clear that I was no longer hanging on his every whim.  I was living my own life on my own terms.  It was always very clear that I still wanted our marriage and that I was still committed, but this shift changed the way that I approached the whole thing.  And I think that it ultimately made our marriage much stronger when we reunited.

Take Baby Steps If You Have To:  I understand that when you make a habit of waiting or of isolating yourself, this can be a hard and perhaps painful habit to break.  It can feel as if you are giving up. It’s important that you understand that you aren’t.  You can still have exactly the same hopes and dreams for your marriage even if you are no longer treading water.

If this still seems intimidating, start small.  Tell yourself that you will get out of the house for two days a week at first.  Perhaps you will just power walk, ride your bike, or do something physical to relieve stress.  After that goes well, commit to seeing friends.  Or consider doing something that you know you will enjoy but have been putting off.  Believe it or not, now is a good opportunity to focus on yourself so that if your husband becomes ready to focus on your marriage, you will be ready too.

I know that moving on and getting yourself out of the house can be counter intuitive at first.  But honestly, as long as you make it clear that you are still committed to your marriage, I really don’t see the harm.  It will make you feel better and it will often improve your situation, at least that was the case with me.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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