Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  When we are first separated and struggling greatly, we often wish for any spark of hope that things might improve.  We often make little deals with ourselves.  We’ll tell ourselves that we will scale back our hopes and make our goals a little more gradual and realistic.  For example, maybe we will tell ourselves that we won’t shoot for an instant reconciliation.  Perhaps we won’t even push for our spouse to come home immediately.  Heck, we’ll just settle for regular contact and gradual improvement.  And once we change our mindset, we will often also see some improvement.  But once that improvement actually happens, it can be VERY difficult to reign in your hope.  Because you can literally feel success right out in front of you.  Still, common sense tells you that if you push too much, you might actually scare your husband off.  So you intellectually know that you have to be patient.  But actually carrying this out can be so much more difficult than you might have imagined.

Someone might say: “when my husband first left, I made it my goal to have him back home within three weeks at the most.  It became apparent right away that this was unrealistic.  The more I talked about his coming home, the more he started to avoid me.  Eventually, it became apparent to me that if I wanted to be around my husband, I was going to have to take moving back home off the table.  And that is exactly what I did.  Instead, I just tried to make it a nice experience when we were around one another and I tried very hard not to pressure him.  Sure, I had these thoughts of reconciliation in my brain when we were together.  But for once, I just didn’t let the thoughts come out of my mouth.  I can’t believe it’s been almost three months that we’ve been separated.  And finally, finally, my husband has started saying things like ‘when I come home.’  However, he never quantifies when this might be.  I am too scared to ask.  I am scared that he will avoid me like he used to.  I have learned from difficult experience that it is best not to pressure him.  So I have vowed to be patient and to let him come home in his own time.  But I am really struggling.  This is going to sound silly.  But you know how when you were a child and when Christmas got closer and closer, it became more and more difficult not to focus on the anticipation?  Well, that’s how it is for me now.  I can think of nothing other than his coming home.  But I don’t want to show him this.  So I try to be patient, but it’s very difficult.  How are people in my situation so patient?  What is the secret?”

I’m not sure there’s a secret that will work for every one.  I suspect that this is pretty individual. But I’m happy to share what (sort of) worked for me.  I was kind of in the same situation, except for it took me far too long to realize that I shouldn’t pressure my husband.  I did a lot of damage.  So when there was progress, I was EXTREMELY careful to not presume anything at all.  I made my husband broach moving home and I was so superstitious about things and afraid of ruining it that I didn’t try to rush at all.  If anything, I delayed out of fear of something going wrong.  But none of this meant that I didn’t want him home IMMEDIATELY.  Still, I knew that it was in my best interest to be patient.

So I continued on with things that had worked while my husband was avoiding me.  I volunteered.  I made friends and family a priority.  I spent a lot of time on hobbies.  It sounds like I was trying to divert my attention elsewhere, right?  I suppose I was.  But I was also doing the things that I had found made me feel contented.  And, when my husband and I were together, I reminded myself to live in the moment.  Because I had learned that you can’t ever take anything for granted.  You don’t know what tomorrow brings.  So if you and your husband are enjoying a nice dinner – than focus right on the dinner laid out before you.  Not tomorrow.  Not next week.  Not next month. Not even on dessert.  Just the dinner.

Another thing that really helped was that my husband and I gradually increased his time home.  At first, he only spent stray nights at home.  Then it became weekends.  Then he started going to work from our home for some of the work week.  It eventually got to the point where he was basically living at home a lot of the time.  But we hadn’t made any official announcement and he hadn’t proclaimed that he’d “moved back in.”  By that time, we’d spent so much time together, that we were confident that it was going to work and that we didn’t need to make any announcements just to make ourselves feel better.

If you haven’t started the gradual process of having him spend more time at home, I’d highly recommend this.  I can’t imagine how things might have gone if – after spending such a long time apart – my husband suddenly showed up to move back in full time.  It would have been awkward and a little jarring.  It probably also would have been a bigger risk.  That’s why I think that gradual is better.  And this helps with patience too.  Because you’re always having little things to look forward to so that you’re not feeling deprived until the actual move in day.

Again, this is just what worked for me.  I can’t say that it wasn’t hard.  I wanted him to come home so very badly.  But I firmly feel that waiting is at least part of why we are still together today.  You can read more about our reconciliation after separation on my blog at at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin