Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: There are many reasons for wives to fear what a separation might bring. You worry that you’ll drift further and further apart. You may worry about the impact on your children. But few worries rate as highly as your spouse dating someone else.

Many wives intuitively know that there are plenty of pitfalls that you’ll have to navigate to save your marriage during a separation. But a husband who has fallen for someone else has got to be one of the scariest.

A wife might say, “I am devastated to admit that my husband moved out this past weekend. He wants a trial separation because he doesn’t think that we are happy. He’s really speaking for himself because, although our marriage isn’t perfect and has plenty of issues, I don’t want to end it. I’m scared of many things right now, but my biggest fear is my husband dating someone else. Women love my husband. I do believe that he has always been faithful to me. But I also suspect that he’s likely been both approached and tempted. What is to keep him from starting another relationship if we are separated? What if an opportunity comes up, and he decides to embrace it? What if he becomes infatuated with the new woman? How could I ever save my marriage under these circumstances? I want to ask him not to date other people, but I feel like I am not in a position to make demands right now. He’s not very happy with me, so he’s not at all agreeable to anything that I say. How do I ask him not to date during the separation and have him actually agree?”

First of all, I completely agree with you that having your spouse date others while you’re on a break or separation is potentially disastrous. In fact, it’s one of the most common issues that I see actually impede reconciliation. It gives separated couples just one more troublesome issue with which to deal. And, it makes one spouse suspect the worst of the other at a time when trust and cooperation are most important. So I completely concede that it’s beneficial to agree on this topic BEFORE he may have the opportunity to experience it.

Try To Make Dating Part Of A Larger Set Of Agreements: You may be right to suspect that this issue could be an awkward one that invites conflict. So, I’d suggest bundling it into one discussion about agreeing to some guidelines for how the separation will work. The separation will go much more smoothly if you both know what to expect.

I always suggest that couples sit down and hash out: how and when you’ll communicate; how you’ll divide necessary tasks; how you will handle the kids and/or extended family; how you’ll handle finances; when you’ll see one another; and how you will tackle any issues that surface. It makes sense to have the dating conversation when you are already talking about these issues.

A Possible Conversation: You want to be careful not to sound accusatory. You want to stress that you’re already assuming that he’s going to do the right thing so that he’s not immediately on the offensive. So you could try something like, “Maybe this goes without saying, but I just want to clarify that I don’t intend to date other people, and I hope that you agree. I know that we are separated. But in my mind, we are still very much married. And I am hopeful that we eventually stay that way. I feel that putting other people into the mix would only make a stressful and difficult situation worse. Can we agree that we won’t date other people?”

If he readily agrees, great. If he doesn’t, try to get him to agree to a set time period to give the separation a chance to work before he adds one more stressor. Try “how about we agree to wait for two months before we consider dating other people? If things don’t look different in a couple of months, we can discuss it then. Does that work?”

It is important that approach this with a spirit of cooperation because if he feels shamed or preached to, he’s just going to agree to your terms and then potentially see other people behind your back.

Maintaining A Frequent, Playful, Positive Rapport Makes Dating Others Less Likely: You want to create a situation where your spouse doesn’t have an incentive to sneak around or keep things from you. The best way to accomplish this is to make progress. If you are constantly in playful and effective contact, he would have no incentive to want to pursue another relationship, since yours is actually progressing and improving.

I know that this is a tall order when you are just beginning your separation. But do the best you can to maintain positivity and closeness. If he still feels connected to you, even with your difficulties and differences, then he will be more likely to want to see the separation through before he begins a new relationship.

For your part, you want to give him no reason to think that you’re not keeping your end of the bargain. I found that it was actually helpful to go out with girlfriends and family during my separation. But I made it very clear that I wasn’t going to date other people or put myself in a situation where I’d even be tempted.

I wasn’t going to give my husband an excuse to do the same. Thankfully, this didn’t become an issue for us (although we had many others.) But I’ve seen it become an issue for many couples. That is why it’s so important to try to maintain a positive relationship, even if it doesn’t look like the marriage you had a few months ago. Give it time. Be patient. And always try to remain positive and reasonably in touch so that he remembers that he is still very married.

I know that separations are difficult.  Mine was one of the most difficult times of my life.  But I saved my marriage eventually after many mistakes which could have been avoided.  You can read that story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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