Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  If you have never been separated (or faced with a separation,) you may assume that the topic of it is one that is going to come up often.  After all, what could be more important to talk about than that?  Isn’t that a topic that deserves and needs a lot of attention?

Yes, it absolutely is.  But the conversation doesn’t always go as easily as you might assume.  It can be excruciatingly hard (and sometimes painful) to have these conversations.  It’s not as easy as you might think. Which leads some spouses to question just what might be the best way to go about it.

Someone might explain: “my husband and I have only been separated for about three weeks.  Before he finally moved out, I did everything in my power to keep him from going.  I talked until my voice was hoarse.  It seemed that my words had no impact at all on him and, at times, he got frustrated and even angry.  He basically said if talking would fix things, then we wouldn’t be at this point right now.  I sort of disagree, but I also know that debating it won’t do any good.  The issue that I’m having right now is that I don’t even know how to broach the separation topic with him.  I want to know how he is doing and what he is feeling. I’d like to know if being apart has helped anything.  Or if this is what he thought that it would be like.  But I’m so afraid to vocalize this because I don’t want him to get frustrated with me again. However, I feel as if I have a right to know.  Don’t I?”

I agree that you have the right to know, but as you have already suspected, getting that information is going to be tricky.  And if you go about getting it in the wrong way, you may do more harm than good and actually end up damaging your relationship at time when your relationship definitely can not afford it.

Analyzing Your Husband’s Mindset: It can be very helpful to try to understand your husband’s mindset.  He may be so unsure about his feelings that he has actually moved out in order to sort all of them out.  Only a little bit of time has gone by, so it’s unlikely that he’s going to be able to clearly articulate a very distinct thought process right now.  First, he likely hasn’t had time to completely sort out his feelings and, even assuming that he has, he may not be ready to share that just yet.

Granted, there’s always the possibility that he misses you terribly and has come to the conclusion that this separation was a mistake.  However, if that were the case, he would likely eventually tell you on his own, without your needing to do anything to damage your marriage or put it at risk.

Frankly, this is often true no matter what his feelings end up being. I completely understand being impatient.  In fact, I did the exact same thing that you are tempted to do.  I pushed for information before my husband was ready to give it to me. He greatly resented this, got frustrated with me, and gave me less information instead of more information.  Even worse, he started to avoid me. We almost ended up divorced and my pushing and bugging him for information was one reason for this.

Watching Is Sometimes More Effective And Less Damaging Than Asking, Especially At First: I know that it’s hard to just watch and wait.  But frankly, watching truly can give you at least some information.  And, there’s no guarantee that his words will be accurate.  Not because he’s lying or trying to deceive you.  But because people need time to sort out and evaluate their feelings and they often aren’t ready to share until they are absolutely sure.

As challenging as this is, in my experience, your best bet is to just try to maintain as positive a relationship as possible with the knowledge that doing so is going to give you the highest probability that his thoughts about you and the marriage are favorable.  Yes, he’s not saying the words right now and it is leap of faith.  But having this trust is better than pushing and having him back away.

The truth will eventually come out.  His thoughts and feelings will eventually become clear.  When he’s ready, he will share these things with you through his actions, his words, or both.  Pushing is the single biggest mistake that I made during my own separation.  Pushing is very understandable but pushing a man who has made it clear that he wants his space is a recipe for disaster.  He likely already knows that you want this information and he will give it to you when he’s sure about it and he believes that the time is right. I’ve learned its best not to put your marriage in further jeopardy until then.  Now, if he brings it up and seems willing to share, then that’s a very different issue.  But that it typically the exception rather than the rule.  You can ask questions generally meant to gauge his feelings, but if he resists, then stop and wait.

I did eventually get my husband back.  But pushing almost ensured that I didn’t. You can read more  on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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