Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: If you are a separated spouse who is trying to save your marriage or reconcile, it’s a pretty sure bet that you are always looking for signs that your spouse might want the same thing that you want – to get back together. However gauging their interest in this is not as easy as you might think. Often, when your spouse is cordial or receptive to you, you might feel hopeful, but you might also second guess their motivations. Is he just being nice so that a continued separation or divorce will be easier on all involved? Is he trying to butter you up for a smooth divorce? Is he only being cordial because he has respect and affection for you, even if perhaps he doesn’t want to be married to you anymore? These questions can make you worry that his being nice is not the same thing as him being receptive to getting back together.

A wife might say: “more than anything, I want to reconcile with my spouse. We have been separated for five weeks. I never wanted for my husband to move out, but he seemed to think that he needed this. My husband would never be combative or nasty to me. That is just not his way. So it’s no surprise that we have been kind to one another during this whole process. We both just hate conflict. It does not surprise me at all that my husband still picks up the garbage, mows the lawn, and changes the oil in my car. When I was talking to one of my friends about this, she said that it sounds as if he wants to get back together, since he still seems to care about my well being. I just took all of this as my husband being considerate, since he certainly hasn’t tried to make any physical overtures toward me. How would I know if he wants to get back together? What are some signs to look for? My sense of this is that my husband is being his usual sweet self, since that is the way that he treats every one – not just me. But I’m not sure how I will know if he wants to reconcile.”

Many spouses will start to talk about reconciling before it actually happens. They will say things like “when I move back in” or they will talk about trips you might take together in the future or things that you might do together once you are back under the same roof.

Be Careful Of Where You Place Your Focus: When I was separated, I used to constantly analyze our conversations for “clues” that my husband would consider a reconciliation, but looking back now, I realize that I placed my focus in the wrong place and I honestly jeopardized the reconciliation that I wanted so badly. I always placed my focus on getting back together as soon as possible. I did not like living on my own and so my sole focus was to guilt by husband to come back home. This actually slowed and sometimes stopped my progress because my husband did not like to be pressured and I wasn’t doing anything to CHANGE what lead up to the separation in the first place.

I say this because I would hate to see others repeating my mistakes. Instead of looking for clues for a reconciliation, look for clues that your spouse is still receptive. If so, just use that to continue to spend quality time together. Combine this with working on marital or personal issues on your own time, and I believe that this is the best combination to get a reconciliation in the most healthy and efficient way. As you spend more and more time together and your spouse sees more and more improvement, he should just naturally progress to wanting to reconcile once you both feel more comfortable that you can be successful.

Why Moving Gradually And Letting Him Take The Lead Works More Efficiently:  If your spouse sees that your focus is only on getting him back home and not on actual improvements, he may actually start to resent your motivations and may begin to avoid or resist you – which is certainly not what you want.

Not only that, but people who are actively looking for signs of a reconciliation sometimes act a bit desperate and tend to jump ahead (at least judging by my own behavior.) This gives you less of a chance of your reconciliation being successful. Believe me, I know how bad it feels to be separated. I know how it feels to want to reconcile tomorrow if not sooner. However, you have to take the long view. Because what you really want is to reconcile and then never separate again. So it’s important that the reconciliation sticks and works. In order to have the best chance of this, it’s better to move gradually, to be genuine and sincere, and to just do this right. Place your focus on just improving things between you every time you see or talk to your spouse. Try to just break it down into small steps and not place the focus on reconciliation so much. Because honestly, if you do this correctly, your spouse will likely just naturally mention getting back together in the not so distant future and he will do it without resentment and without feeling that you pressured him.

At the end of the day, you want him happily and willingly home.  You are more likely to get this when you just allow it to happen rather than forcing it to happen.  It’s likely that your spouse will tell you when he’s ready to come home.  If he isn’t yet speaking those words, just continue to build on your success.  It’s better to wait than to pressure. I learned this the hard way.  You’re welcome to read about how I finally got my husband back on my other site at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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