How Can My Husband Walk Away From The Marriage So Easily?
By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are equally as hurt by their husband’s behaviors and actions during the separation as they are by the separation itself. Many have never seen their husband act so distant and cold before. And they’re left wondering how he is able to just turn the love on and off – like it appears that he is able to do.
Many wives wonder if his cold behavior is going to have any implications on the possibility of a reconciliation. Someone might say: “my husband and I have known one another since we were about five years old. We have been through everything together. I am best friends with my husband’s sister and always have been. So I have been part of his family in more ways than one. I am very close to his mother. We have been married for over ten years, but we have been vital to one another’s lives for much longer than that. We have always been so important to one another. But for the last year, he has become distant and cold. Now he says that he wants to try a trial separation. So he packed his things, loaded up his car, and went to a coworker’s guest house. Since that time, I am lucky if we talk every other day. And when we do talk, it is as if he rushes the conversation. It’s like he can not get off the phone fast enough. Which is completely ironic because my husband and I used to talk for hours. What I truly don’t understand is how he can walk away so easily from a lifetime relationship. Make no mistake about it. My husband is the most important person in my life. I would never willingly cast him aside. He is my best friend. And yet, that is exactly what he has done to me. And I don’t understand it. Does he just not love me as much as I love him?”
I know that this hurts. And I know that it appears that he’s walked away from your marriage with relative ease. But I’ve dialogued with a lot of men in this situation, including my own husband. Admittedly, it can appear that they are walking away from the situation without so much as a backward glance. But you can’t always see into their minds or hearts.
Why Husbands Distance Themselves During A Separation: Much of the time, they distance themselves and they shut down their emotions because if they didn’t, they know that they would struggle. Also, often, their stoic persona is for your benefit. Why? Because they figure if you saw their doubt or saw them waffling, you’d only pressure them or question them more, and they are trying to avoid this. In their minds, the whole thing might be easier if it’s done abruptly and cleanly, like pulling off a bandaid.
This May Have Been Brewing For A While: Here’s another thing to consider. Most husbands don’t make a decision as quickly as you assume. What I mean by this is that by the time a husband actually leaves, he has usually been considering this for much longer than you know. It typically takes a lot of time and turmoil for anyone to come to a decision about something as important as this. He knows that his decision is going to disrupt every one’s life. He knows that it is going to cause pain. He knows that things might be awkward around your families. These are all important considerations – which may mean that he probably did not take this decision lightly.
But once he makes the decision, he often just doesn’t want to debate it because doing so would only make this harder. So he shuts down. He puts on a cold and distant persona in the hopes that you will think that there is no room for discussion. Yes, this gives the appearance of him being able to walk away easily. But sometimes, appearances just aren’t accurate.
He May Feel The Same Void That You Feel: Many men DO struggle. Think about it. Yes, this is a very important long-term relationship for you, but the same is true of him. He is going to wake up tomorrow alone. Do you really think that he can go from interacting with you for most of his life to limiting his contact with you and not feel that void?
Sure, he may well be trying to downplay that void for your benefit right now, but that doesn’t mean that he does not feel or experience the void. He may just be trying to keep you from seeing it.
I know that it might be tempting to try to inspire a reaction from him (even a negative one) just to have reassurance that he can feel something – anything – as far as you are concerned. But, this will often only make you feel more distance from him and make the estrangement even more acute.
In my own experience, it’s better to act in a way that brings him closer to you rather than further away. And you can use the power of deduction and common sense to know that, since you’ve been front and center in his life for so very long, walking away without a reaction is going to be close to impossible, despite whatever act he’s putting on.
You can read more about how I handled my own distant husband during the separation (and eventually reconciled) at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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