Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  It’s an awful feeling when you know that you are watching your marriage deteriorating before your very eyes.  It’s a much worse feeling when you know that this deterioration is potentially all your fault.  And that can be especially bad if you’re dealing with something you feel you should learn to control – like your anger.

Someone might explain: “I am fully aware that my anger is destroying my marriage.  And what’s so awful is that I was not always this way.  I used to be happy-go-lucky and laid back.  It used to take quite a bit to get me angry.  That is not the case anymore.  I have two children under the age of three. I feel pulled in many different directions. I feel incredibly overwhelmed.  And I suppose because of this, I find myself snapping at just about everyone.  My kids. My husband.  My mom.  Sometimes, my anger seems to come out of nowhere but then once it appears, I can’t seem to control it.  I will say things that I can not believe are coming out of my mouth.  And I will slam things. Last night when we were having dinner, one of the kids mentioned that he did not like the food.  Typical toddler stuff.  I asked him to try it anyway.  He refused.  And I got up, left the table, and pushed my chair in so loud, it made him cry.  My husband went after me and told me he did not recognize the person I had become.  He asked me when I had become an angry person.  I told him that I don’t know. He said he is not sure how much longer he can live this way.  He said that he had told himself he would never put his children through a broken home, but he insisted that my anger is very unhealthy for them also.  How do I stop my anger from destroying my family and my marriage?”

Well, I’m not a therapist or a specialist in anger, but it doesn’t take a specialist to know that it’s vital to get your anger under control as soon as possible.  And I know from watching friends go through this that women’s anger can be a little trickier than men’s anger.  Because much of the time, hormones are involved – especially after a recent pregnancy, which seems to be the case here.  I’m not a doctor, so I am only speculating and I would strongly encourage you to see one.  But it would make sense, especially considering the fact that you’ve never had anger issues before.

My first stop would be to get my hormones evaluated and to follow up with any suggestions that my doctor might have.  I would see a therapist who specializes in women’s issues. I don’t have to tell you how damaging this can be to your family.  Because you already know that.  And the fact that you have self awareness about it is a good thing – because not every one does.  Many people are not only angry, but they are defensive – denying that the anger even exists and blaming every one else.

That is not the case here.  You are aware of what is going on and you are motivated to change it – which is half the battle already.  Even if there are hormones involved which get fixed, I’d suspect that you’re still going to have to work at changing your triggers and habits.  Because if this has gone on for a while, it has become a habit.  Once you’re triggered by something, you resort to what has become your go – to method of handling it – your anger.  In order to break this cycle, you have to recognize the trigger, and then employ a new, more positive method to deal with it.  Do this enough times and the habit is broken and replaced with the more appropriate one.

I don’t mean to make this sound like it’s a case of “mind over matter” because I don’t believe that it’s as simple as that.  I believe that it would really help to see a professional that can help you see exactly what is going on and offer you the most efficient way to handle it.

But noticing it and being willing to change are good signs that show you have the necessary self awareness and motivation to change.  Your family will be much better off and I am sure you will feel much better too.  Because you’re probably suffering from guilt and shame heaped on top of the anger, which just feeds into the whole negative cycle.

You may want to let your husband know about these realizations because it may help him to be a little more patient.  The next time this topic comes up, you might try something like: “you are absolutely right.  This isn’t like me.  That’s not an excuse, but you know that this isn’t typical behavior for me. That’s why I feel that I need to be evaluated and treated by someone.  I want to stop this, but I suspect that hormones are involved because of my pregnancies and I’m going to need help fixing that.  I am committed to fixing it, though.  And I’d like to ask you to help me by supporting me and bringing my attention to it when you see any anger cropping up.  You know that I’m very committed to being the best wife and mother I can possibly be.  And part of that means that I need to address this immediately.  I hope that you support me in this.”

I feel strongly that he will likely throw his support behind you. It only benefits him for you to fix this to and return back to your old self. And even he’s admitted that this is not typical behavior for you.  So it is likely pretty clear to him that you’re not doing this on purpose.

I know that none of this is easy, but sometimes, we have to fight for our family.  And we have to be aware of our habits and tendencies in order to change them.  I made some major life changes after my husband and I reconciled because I didn’t want to take my bad habits into our new and improved relationship.  I have to constantly check myself, but I can also say that the effort has been worth it.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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