Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  It’s very normal to take one simple truth – that you and your spouse are separating – and turn it into several dire “what ifs.”  For most of us, a separation is difficult enough to process.  Even if we were able to limit our thoughts to our immediate reality and what is directly in front of us, those few thoughts are more than enough to ponder.

Unfortunately, it is just human nature that most of us are going to not limit ourselves to thoughts of the separation only.  No, we are going to let our minds wander.  We may start to think of our husband seeing someone else.  Or worse, we start to concede our children being raised by a step-parent.  If our thoughts were reality, we’d have ourselves divorced in no time, at least that was the case with me.  My mind always went to the worst case scenario.

Many people worry a great deal about their spouse dating others – even when the separation is brand new.  In fact, that is the first course of business that many want to address.  Some of us will almost immediately ask for reassurance that our separated spouse is not going to date others.  Sometimes, when our husband won’t give this reassurance, we tend to get very upset and make assumptions.

For example, a wife might say: “my husband has decided that we should separate.  He moved out this weekend.  I’ve been bugging him to try to determine how all of this is going to work, but he hasn’t given me many details.  I am not sure why.  I’ve asked him how often we will talk and see each other and he says that it is impossible to predict that.  I’ve asked him if he’s going to see other women and he says that his mind isn’t even on that and he can’t possibly see into the future. I couldn’t accept that, so I said ‘so it’s possible in the future that you might date?’ His response to me was that anything is possible, but he has no immediate plans for anything other than keeping to himself.  I can’t even fathom that this is happening.  How am I supposed to accept and be okay with the fact that my husband might date other people?”

Why It Can Be Very Wrong To Make Assumptions: I know exactly how you feel.  Your worst fear right now was also mine.  I know that things seems dire.  But my husband and I eventually reconciled (although we did have a difficult separation.)  And I do know some people who saved their marriages even when BOTH people casually dated while separated.  So, even if your worst case scenario comes true and your husband does date, this doesn’t necessarily mean that you will end up divorced.  Sometimes, a man eventually realizes that NO woman compares to his wife.

Frankly, I don’t think that anyone can expect you to be “okay” with your separated spouse dating others. That would simply be too much to ask.  I hear from a lot of separated spouses who have dealt with this issue and I can’t think of many who are okay with (or enthusiastic about) the idea of their spouse seeing someone else.  Many try to prevent it.  Others come to the conclusion that they can not control what their spouse does – which leads me to my next point.

Understanding Your Options: While I was separated, I came to a difficult truth.  You really can not control what another adult does.  In terms of your spouse seeing other people, you really have to think long and hard about your options and about how those options might affect your later ability to reconcile.  When I was facing this, I seriously considered telling my husband that if he saw other people, I would see this as cheating and would divorce him. But if I was being honest, divorce was the very last thing that I wanted.  So this strategy would have been a very bad bluff. And honestly, he was probably pretty close to divorcing me already.  So I was really in no position to make threats.

I decided that, while I could not control what my husband thought or did during our separation, I could try to maintain a positive relationship between us. I could try to spend quality time with him, and I could hope that this would discourage him from seeing others.  Was this ideal?  No.  Did it leave much to chance?  Yes. Did I lose a lot of sleep over it?  Especially at first?  Of course I did.  But the alternative was to throw a fit or cause some drama at a time when I already knew that I was walking on thin ice.  So I tried to make our relationship as good as it could be and I made it very clear that I was not going to date and I hoped that he wouldn’t, either.  It felt very insufficient and it was heartbreaking at times.

But, even with the luxury of hindsight, I don’t think that I had another choice.  Had I given ultimatums, it might actually have pushed my husband to date.  At the very least, it would have made him avoid me more than he already was.  I wanted to maintain at least some relationship and I wanted him to feel that he didn’t need to hide things or to sneak around.  So I figured my best bet was to try to keep things cordial and to trust that he would use good judgment. That was, (at least in my view at the time,) the best that could be made of a difficult situation.

Luckily, my worst fears never came to pass.  And this is sometimes the case.  Of course, we assume these things when we are first separated.  This is just human nature and it’s normal to be afraid.  But sometimes, our fears are unfounded and we are able to save our marriages. You don’t have to feel badly that you’re not okay with your separated spouse dating someone else.  Very few people are okay with that.  But you don’t always know what is going to happen.  And you can do your best to prevent it in a positive way.  You can read more about how I was ultimately able to accomplish this (after many mistakes) on my blog at  http://isavedmymarriage.com

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