How Can I Make My Separated Spouse See That He Is Wrong?
By: Leslie Cane: Much of the correspondence that I get comes from separated people who are looking for ways to reconcile with their spouse, save their marriage, and have their spouse come home. Some, however, care as much about how this happens as they are about when it happens. Some separated spouses feel very strongly that their spouse is wrong. And although they’d like to reconcile, they also want for their spouse to realize the problem with his thinking. The hope is that once he sees the problem with his logic, a reconciliation is going to be more likely anyway.
A wife might say something like: “our entire separation is based on the fact that my husband thinks that I try to keep him away from his family and friends. He is from another country. We go home to visit twice per year. Pretty much all of our vacation days go toward these visits. It is implied that when we have a chunk of days off, that they are going to be spent visiting his family. I don’t have a problem with this. I know that he doesn’t get to see them very much and that he misses them. The problem is that apparently these visits just aren’t enough. My husband says that the main reason he wants a separation is because he feels that by doing this, I will no longer keep him away from his family and he will see them more and perhaps even move back home. I think that this is ridiculous. I never tried to keep him from his family. It’s not my fault that we only get two weeks of vacation every year. I never complained about spending my vacation days this way. My husband is absolutely wrong. But he refuses to see this. I want my husband back. I want him to come home. But that probably isn’t going to happen until he sees that he is wrong. How do I make him see this?”
Understand Why You Can’t Change His Perception Without His Cooperation: This is very tricky. It’s unrealistic to believe that you can “make” a grown man do anything, especially if you don’t want for him to resent your efforts. Plus, when you try to force the issue, you will often only contribute to him both clinging to his belief AND seeing you in a more negative light. This isn’t what you want when you’re trying to get him back.
Frankly, when you are separated, you never want to paint yourself as the person who stands in the way of your spouse’s happiness. Because this is going to make it even more likely that the separation lingers because your spouse isn’t sure that he’s going to happier with you than he is without you.
As hard as it may be, you may want to consider that it is going to be very hard for him to see he’s wrong until he changes his perception about the entire situation. He isn’t likely to change his perception of his access to home until he changes his opinion of your place in this. But when you’re passionately telling him that he is mistaken (and you’re saying it in such a way that he may take it to imply that he is selfish or not smart enough to know reality,) then you may be running a real risk.
Because if you push, there is a risk of him thinking that not only do you keep him from home, you don’t respect his intelligence enough to trust that he can make up his own mind regarding what is happening.
Painting Yourself As The Supportive Spouse While Waiting For Him To See Reality: This is only my opinion based on my own separation and based on getting correspondence that allows me to see many separations played out. But, if it were me, I’d hold off on trying to force him to see that he’s wrong. If you act supportive, he is more likely to come to this conclusion on his own. And that is much more beneficial to you anyway.
He may well spend more time at his home country and realize that he made a big fuss about nothing without your having to do anything. And when this happens, he’s going to realize that you did nothing but support him. That’s when he will realize how wrong he is, and better still, you haven’t put yourself in a position where he might resent you or think that you care about proving him wrong more than you care about him being happy.
The best scenario here is for him to see he’s wrong while you’re painting yourself as the supportive spouse who wants him to be happy. After all, that is probably what you truly are. You’re just tempted to react to your frustration at the situation. And while I understand that frustration because I’ve experienced it first hand, I’d caution you not to let it cause you act in ways that will only alienate your spouse that much more.
I know that you want him to come home. I have been there. I know that feeling, where it feels as if you are running out of time and the whole thing isn’t fair because he’s wrong anyway. But look at the long term rather than the short term. If it helps, you’re welcome to read more about how I handled my own separation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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