Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who very sure that they no longer want to live alone and that they no longer want to manage a household without their spouse. They are often looking for a way to effectively communicate this in the hopes that it will inspire their spouse to come back home.

A comment that would give a good example of this is something like: “I am really struggling since our trial separation started. I begged my husband not to go but he said that he just wasn’t happy and that he needed to leave for a while. This is so hard on me. I am having to take responsibility for all of the household chores and for all of the parenting. My husband is probably at his new place without a care in the world while I am stuck doing all of the homework, making all of the meals, mowing the yard, taking out the trash, and taking care of all of the other tasks involved in running a home with children. Meanwhile, I am so lonely that I almost can’t stand it. I miss my husband so much. Every time he calls, I try to make it very clear that I need for him to come home. I tell him what an awful time that we are all having without him and he doesn’t seem to care. He still stays away. How do I make him see that I need for him to come back right away?” I will try to answer these concerns below.

Understand The Picture That You Are Painting: Please don’t take what I am about to say in the wrong way. I don’t mean for this to sound harsh and it isn’t my intention to be unkind. But think for a minute about the picture that you are painting. You are asking your husband to come back to a situation that you yourself are admitting is almost unbearable. And the words that you are using are describing a situation where you need for him to come home to almost perform labor. In his mind, he might be thinking that you want for him to come home so that there is someone to take out the trash and to help with the meals in the homework.

In other words, he might be hearing you ask him to come home so that he can share in the workload rather than participating in a loving family. I understand that parenting is a joint effort. I understand that you deserve for him to do his fair share. You have every right to feel this way. These are not unreasonable requests. But you have to be very careful about how you are phrasing this. Because asking him to come home in such a way that he is hearing that you only want him to come back so that he can share the chores or ease your loneliness may not sound all that appealing to him. He may start to avoid you because he doesn’t want to feel the guilt and he doesn’t want to hear about how horrible he has made your life.

Understand That The Better Strategy Might Be To Inspire Him To Want To Come Home: I hope that you can accept that the way that you phrase any request while you are separated is vitally important. How you present yourself can sometimes greatly influence the outcome. It’s my opinion and experience that you have a much higher chance of inspiring him to come home if you present him with a reality that makes him want to come home rather than trying to appeal to his guilt to make him feel obligated to come home.

Because quite honestly, people will often try to run away from negative emotions. So if you make him feel guilty, or ashamed, or regretful, then he’s actually more likely to want to stay away. But if you can make him feel nostalgia for your marriage and for your bond, then he is going to be more likely to come closer.

So how do you do this? You present him with a different picture than what you have already been painting. You show him someone who is capable, coping, and full of self respect. In other words, you want to show him that you don’t want for him to come home because he pities you or because he feels a sense of guilt and obligation, you want for him to come home because he wants to be there and because he wants to be with you.

The next time you talk to him, try very hard to focus on anything positive that you can. Yes, things aren’t ideal right now. But you still have your children. You are still married. You are still in contact with your spouse. You have many positive things on which you can build. And focusing on the positive will increase the chances that your husband will want to reach out to you and be receptive to you.

But to be very clear on the question originally posed, I don’t think it’s best to make your husband see that you need for him to come home. I think that it is in your best interest to inspire your husband to want to come home. There is a huge and important difference between the two. Telling him that you need him to come home doesn’t paint the most inspiring and alluring picture. I’m not saying that you should deny reality or pretend. But I do think that you should try to focus on the positive and show your husband the capable and strong side of yourself. Because this picture is the most alluring one and the most likely to inspire him to consider returning home willingly instead of begrudgingly.

I know much of this because of my own situation.  During my own separation, when I tried to appeal to my husband’s sense of obligation and guilt, it got my absolutely no where.  In fact, he distanced himself from me even more.  It wasn’t until I focused on the positive that I started to see a huge improvement.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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