Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Most of the wives who read this blog will have, at least in some capacity, a spouse who wants or has asked for space. Sometimes, this is just a temporary and casual request that passes quickly. Other times, there is a real and immediate problem, which can prompt time apart or even a separation.

Understandably, most wives do not take kindly to being asked for space. You’ve lived closely and intimately with your husband for all of this time, and now he wants to be away from you – both emotionally and physically? That feels wrong on multiple levels. That hurts. And it feels like a rejection.

It’s no wonder, then, that most of us try to find a way around this request for space. We act as if we don’t really understand it. We convince ourselves that he didn’t really mean it in that way. We comply as little as possible. Or we panic and give him the opposite of space. We cling instead.

However our resistance manifests itself, we’re resistant. But, inevitably, the spouse who wanted the space will often push back. He’ll often pull away even further in an attempt to get what he asked for, or he’ll blatantly ask that you back away. He may also just stop making himself so available to you.

However it happens, it may soon be clear that you have no choice but to comply. But even with this acceptance comes problematic realizations. If you back away, will it be easier for him to just walk away from you? Will it seem as if you don’t care when you could not care more?

Someone might explain, “my separated husband is literally demanding space from me. Part of it is my fault. I am hard-headed. He asked for space before he even moved out, but I convinced myself that there was still room for us to remain close. Clearly, this isn’t what he wants for now. And he’s made that brutally clear. I realize that if I keep refusing to comply, he’s going to move further and further away from me. But aren’t I damned if I do and damned if I don’t? Giving him space also means the exact same thing – that he moves further and further away from me. I feel like I am just helplessly watching him walk right out of my life. I feel like I am allowing myself to lose him without doing anything to try and prevent that from happening. There was a medical scare with one of his family members. (I heard about this from my sister-in-law, not from him.) And it felt so wrong to not reach out to him. I felt uncaring and cold. How am I supposed to pretend like I don’t care what is happening to him? It all feels so wrong and the opposite of what I should be doing. I honestly think that giving him space is going to do nothing but ensure that I am going to lose him. And yet, he’s given me absolutely no choice.”

I completely understand this. I had the exact same thoughts during my own separation. But it may help you to know that I am still married today. And I DID give my husband space. I fought as hard as I could against it initially. I almost ruined any chance I had of reconciliation by being too stubborn about the space. But I now firmly believe that the space was 100% the first step of saving my marriage. Without it, I have no doubt that I would be divorced.

There are some very compelling arguments for clinging and not providing the space. But I promise that there are counterarguments that are every bit as compelling. Even better, these counterarguments are more conducive to the outcome that you want. I’ll list them below.

He’ll Resent You If You Don’t Give The Space: One of the best strategies that I eventually fell into using during my own separation was that I wanted to help my husband be happier. His discontent was a big reason that he wanted space, so I couldn’t claim that I wanted to help him improve things if I didn’t try to give him what he wanted. Believe me, I tried to get him to settle for less. For a very long time. Not only did it not work, but it also made things worse. My husband resented me and became even angrier at me than he did before he moved out.

He’ll See You As Something That Must Be Avoided: If you continue to cling when your husband asks that you back away just a bit, he’s going to start ducking you. He’ll ignore your calls, and he will keep his whereabouts a secret from you. And what do you think will happen with these turn of events? You will pull harder, and he will push in response. This will bring you further away from one another rather than closer.

You’ll Stall Any Reconciliation: I know that in your mind you think that giving space is going to delay things. But the opposite is true. Husbands in this situation will often wait until they get what they asked before they get down to business and work with you. If you think that clinging will actually hurry things along, this is probably flawed thinking.

Worries About “Out of Sight Out of Mind” Don’t Give Him The Time To Miss You: Many wives worry that if they are not seeing or speaking to their husband regularly, he’ll forget about his commitment to them and be less invested in the marriage. Often, if you give it a little time, and he realizes that not only is the space not solving all of his issues but that he also misses you, his commitment will actually be strengthened. Spouses will often come to the table more willing to compromise after some time apart if they have these important realizations.

Showing Care And Investment During The Space: This can be a little more tricky. But there is a difference between ignoring your spouse and giving him a little room. I still texted my husband for special occasions or difficult times. It would just be a simple “thinking about you and hoping you are okay,” or something similar. Texting allowed him to get back to me if and when he wanted, but there was no pressure with it. Also, the message was very neutral and was in no way off-putting.

And you know what? Sometimes, those casual texts elicited a phone call from him and increased communication, and sometimes they didn’t. But they allowed us to keep in casual touch without me not doing as asked and respecting my husband’s wishes.

And this increased communication eventually lead to even more. He eventually began to reach out to me.  And that was the beginning of a significant turn around.  That story is at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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