Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: One of the first signs of a potential future marital separation is a spouse who starts to demand more “space.” Many people are aware of this, so when a spouse asks for space BEFORE moving out or demanding a separation, many people will want to accommodate this, even if they are hurt by the request. But even when they are willing, they aren’t sure how they are supposed to pull this off.

Someone might ask, “My husband is unhappy in our marriage, and he has asked for ‘space.’ He is not going to move out. I am not sure if this is because we really can’t afford for him to move out or if he doesn’t think that things are that dire yet. Anyway, he says that he just needs more time away from me. I’m not sure how it is supposed to work with us still living together. Do we sleep in separate beds or in separate rooms? Do we not eat meals together? Am I not supposed to ask where he’s going or how he is? What about the kids?”

These are all good questions. Unfortunately, there is no “right” answer to any of them. Different couples work out these questions differently. From my own experience during my own separation (where my husband did eventually move out), I strongly suggest coming to an agreement on all of these questions before the “space” is actually supposed to start. This will make things much easier for everyone. I know that it is awkward to have these conversations. But it is honestly easier to just take a deep breath and have a direct discussion instead of having misunderstandings and awkwardness that could have been avoided. Not only that, but these misunderstandings can sometimes lead to a formal separation, and I am pretty sure that this is the last thing that you want.

You can try to keep it casual and make it so that your delivery sounds accommodating instead of demanding. Try to make it sound like you want to understand how he envisions things so that you can try to make sure he’s getting what he needs. You might try something like, “Can we talk about the ‘space’ issue for a minute? I’m not sure how you want for it to work, and I’m asking for clarification. How much ‘space’ are we talking about? Are we supposed to live as if we both live alone? Or do you just want more alone time than you have now? Will we eat meals together? Will we still sleep in the same bed? If not, where are we both going to sleep? Will we still parent the kids as though nothing has changed? Will we tell them? How do you want to handle these things?”

If he tells you to just “wait and see,” then make sure that you follow up and ask specific questions when such situations come up. It’s better to casually ask than to have hurt feelings or to assume something that just isn’t true. It’s human nature to assume the worst, and this can hurt your chances at a reconciliation.

Unless your husband is adamant about telling the kids, I don’t see the need to upset or confuse them. If it’s possible that the “space” will be enough, and you won’t need to separate. That’s why I don’t see the point in causing your children to worry about a separation or divorce, which hopefully will not happen. My philosophy would be that you’ll tell them when there is actually something to tell, but that you won’t worry them until then. They may notice that things are a little different, and if they ask you about this, you might just say that you and your husband are “taking some time to figure things out.”

As good as it can be to define your roles during this “break,” there are often some things that you just have to play by ear. For example, you may get invited to events as a couple, and you’ll have to figure out how to navigate this.  Or, you may want to go and see a new movie, but aren’t sure if you should assume that he’s going with you. All of these things are normal, and I think it’s best to just straight up ask him how he wants to handle these things as they come up.

In terms of the actual “space,” I think it is best if you just try to let him come to you more. Don’t assume that he wants company. Busy yourself with solitary things and then let him come to you when he feels like company. This way, he can’t claim that you didn’t give him what he asked for. I know that it might feel lonely, but it is so much better to try to comply in the hopes that this phase passes.  Giving him liberal space at home is better than making him feel that he has to move out in order to get what he’s asked for.

I can tell you from experience that it can be much harder to save your marriage when you are living under a different roof.  After my husband moved out, things became very difficult, although we eventually reconciled.  (There’s more at http://isavedmymarriage.com)

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