Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I hear from many wives who tell me that their marriages have grown cold, that their husband withdraws attention or no longer show them any affection. In short, I often hear phrases like “he doesn’t want me anymore and I don’t know what to do,” or “How can I make him want me again because right now he just ignores me?” I often get descriptions of a scenario where the couple is more like arguing roommates than husband and wife. But, I also often find that many women will go about getting their husbands to “want” them again in a way that only pushes them further away. I’ll tell you why this often doesn’t work (and what I think works much better) in the following article.

Why You May Feel That Your Husband Doesn’t Want You: I’ll often ask wives to tell me what their gut is telling them about why their husband is distancing him. I often get responses like “he’s very stressed at work,” or “we’re fighting about money,” or “I’ve put on some weight,” or “I’m afraid he’s having an affair.” And, all of these things may well be contributing factors. But, at their core, they all have important issues in common. They all stem from two things: a breakdown in communication and a breakdown in intimacy.

This sounds simplistic, I know, but it is true. If you think back to when you were first dating or married and had a very strong bond, likely, first, intimacy and communication weren’t problems. But second, if these things did spring up, they were dealt with promptly. People who are deeply in love don’t let things fester or smolder. They don’t want anything to interfere with the great thing that they have going. So, you will need to get back to this place. Once you do, the desire and intimacy will naturally follow.

Where Wives Go Wrong When They Try To Bring The Passion Back: I’ve noticed that in this situation, there are generally two paths that are taken, and both have flaws. First, a wife will likely try too hard. It will be very obvious that your actions are all for show and are not typical. Men hate to be manipulated and they hate game-playing. So, if you never initiate intimacy but are suddenly all over them, they may not resist, but in the back of their minds, they’re going to know that you’re playing them and they’re going to put a wall up. The truth is, that desperation and neediness are not typically attractive. If your husband began doing the same to you, would you really, deep down be receptive? Would it change your opinion? Maybe short term, but there’s a better way because you are in this for the long haul.

The other tactic that I see wives taking is that they sort of take the stance of “well, two can play at that game,” so they will retreat too, hoping to give the husband a taste of his own medicine so that he sees how hurtful this behavior is. Then what you have are two people who are even further apart, and intimacy is now becoming even more awkward and forced. This only makes your job harder in the end.

The Best Way To Get Your Husband To Want You Again: I’ve alluded to this throughout the entire article, but now I’m going to say it straight out. You can’t “make” your husband want you again. No one likes to be “made” to do something. This only creates resentment and they become even more determined and distant. The best thing for you to do is act in such a way that he’s going to come around all on his own because something has made him want to.

How do we do this? Well, you’re in a better position than you may think. You’re husband has already fallen deep in love with you once before. So, you’ve already pulled off what you’re only going to repeat now. You know what your husband first loved about you. And, I can tell you with a great deal of certainty that men want what we want. They want to feel loved. They want to feel desired. And, they want you to be their safe, pleasurable place outside of all the pressures that they face.

I’m sure that some may be saying “Yes, but life has changed. We’re not the same people. We have responsibilities.” Yes, this is true, of course. But, that doesn’t mean that you can’t make the effort to reintroduce your husband to the woman who first made him very happy. The one with the easy laugh and his undivided attention and the one who wasn’t distracted when they were together. The one who he had more fun with than anyone in the world.

Right now, your first priority should be creating positive interactions and experiences. But, these should be lighthearted and fun. Don’t put too much pressure into this equation by talking your problems to death. There will be time for that later when you’re both committed and in a better place. For now, you need to take it one day at a time. You need to have light-hearted fun and laughs. You both need to realize that the two people who fell in love are still right there, underneath all of the day-to-day stress. If you can do this, I promise you the desire and the passion will follow. 

When it became obvious that my husband no longer wanted me and had checked out, I did not understand these principles and I went about changing his mind in the completely wrong way. I stooped to negative behavior that only drove my husband further away. Thankfully, I soon realized my mistake and decided to approach things from another angle and this eventually worked. You can read more on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com/

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