Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It’s not uncommon for the way that you relate to your spouse to change over the years. After you have been together for a while, you might not be as loving or as demonstrative as you once were. This doesn’t mean that you don’t love your spouse. It just means that the intensity of your demonstrations can change with time. However, not being in harmony with one another and not being able to get along is a separate issue and one that isn’t so normal.

This might start innocently at first. You may notice that you are disagreeing more than you used to. You might also notice that when disagreements happen, the fall out lasts for much longer. Whereas you used to just make up quickly and move on, now you disagree and it lasts for hours or even days where both people sulk and still feel resentments when it should long be over.

I might get a comment like: “I really need to figure out how to get along better with my spouse. We are really struggling. The weird thing is, we used to get along so well. We never fought when we first got married. But now the things that I used to love so much about him bug me. For example, my father was always very angry and aggressive. So I actually loved that my husband was so laid back and gentle. This was a huge plus for me. But now I almost see him as wimpy. I now notice that he backs away from problems and leaves me to handle everything. I resent this a little. And when I bring this up, he sees it as nagging. He says that I always want to point out his flaws. It seems that we are more quick to bring up the other’s faults. And little things now turn into huge arguments. We really don’t talk as much anymore. And I notice that he doesn’t hug and kiss me as much, which I suspect is the direct result of our inability to get along. How do I get along better with him? I try to think before I speak but I find the words just toppling out because he annoys me lately.”

This is such a common problem. We live in stressful times where family is not lifted up as much as it used to be. So, it’s unfortunately quite common for all of us to take our frustrations out on the person who is closest to us. And, for most of us, that person is our spouse. Also, as this wife said, we begin to look at the things that we used to like about our spouse as not so great anymore. Because we have become so used to it over time.

I’m certainly not a therapist, but I have had to learn to get along well with my husband. We separated once. And when we reconciled, I was determined to learn the skills necessary to allow us to live happily with one another. I figured that life was just too short, and marriage was just too precious and sweet, to continue to argue about silly little things. So I set out to do whatever I could to ensure that we got along better. Because I had learned first hand what picking at each other could do to our marriage. Here are the things that helped me the most.

Try Not To Take Anything Personally And See Things From Your Spouse’s Point Of View: So often, our spouse is simply reacting to a bad day, an unfortunate situation, or an unkindness from someone else. So, he may come home and snap at us and we assume that he’s so disrespectful and spiteful. But really, he’s reacting to something that doesn’t have anything to do with you. Does this mean that it was fair for him to snap at you? No. But if you react in kind, things are going to get worse. Accept the fact that his mood may not have anything to do with you and that you don’t have to take responsibility for it. I have learned to back away and give my spouse a little time. This almost always works.

Another thing that works well is to really try to see things from your spouse’s point of view. Once, my husband and I fought about a member of his family. No matter what this family member did to us, my husband wouldn’t stand up for me and he would just always chose to ignore the situation. This made me furious until I asked myself how I would react if my husband was expecting me to turn on my own family, as I was asking of him. Yes, his sister had wronged us. But she was his sister. It was his family. He was hurt. And he was reacting to the same. Sometimes, if you can see your spouse as someone who is hurt or scared, this really helps.

Don’t Expect For Your Spouse To Be Responsible For Your Happiness: This is hugely important. And a very good therapist helped me to understand that until I learned to be content with myself and to take responsibility for my own happiness, then I was never going to have relationships that were as sound as they could possibly be. So much of the time, we blame our spouse for things that have nothing to do with them. When we have a bad day or we feel disappointed for some reason, it is so easy to play the victim. I used to do this all of the time. I used to think that my husband didn’t care or he didn’t understand me. This only distanced us from one another.

Now, when I have a bad day, I know that it is up to me to handle it. Almost always, I have found that if I take half an hour to myself and I do yoga, it improves my situation. I can then interact with my husband in a positive way, I feel relief from my mood and my day and I have strengthened my marriage rather than weakened it. This very subtle shift where you understand that you are going to make yourself happy and that your spouse is just along for the ride because you want him there.  It can truly transform your marriage.  Because this shift stops the blame. It stops the disappointment. It stops the engagement.

See Your Spouse As Someone You Want To Share The Fun With: So many of us see our spouse as the person who is supposed to share our burdens and worries. Your spouse can and should do that. But if you rely on your spouse to be your sole emotional support and sounding board, then you set up a culture where you and your spouse are expecting to feel down and miserable with each other.

It’s so important to break this habit. Your spouse should anticipate being able to relax and have fun with you. Try very hard to schedule fun with your spouse at least once per week. This too can transform your marriage. As may already be obvious, I learned these tips through personal experience.  Because if I hadn’t learned how to get along better, I may be divorced today.  If it helps,  you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin