Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: There are times when you are dealing with a trial or marital separation where you don’t really know for sure why your husband pursued all of this. Sure, he may have given you very general descriptions about being unhappy or needing his space, but he hasn’t come right out and told you EXACTLY why he’s pushing for the separation or what would need to happen in order to change it. This can feel very frustrating.

However, there’s another type of scenario that is equally as frustrating, but also very painful. This is when the husband spells out what caused the separation with a very painful reason – the fact that he is no longer attracted to you. Not only can this hurt pretty badly, but it leaves you wondering what you could possibly do in order to get that attraction back.

A wife might ask: “I am wondering if it is possible to re-attract a separated husband to you. My husband has been acting weird for a while – for the last two years, really. It started happening shortly after I gave birth to my second child. I gained some weight that I just could not shake. With two small children underfoot, I admit that I do not have as much time to worry about my appearance. And it doesn’t make sense to get all dolled up or to dress up when the kids are going to mess up my clothing anyway. But my husband left and then said we were separated. At first, he didn’t really specify why he did this. But I kept begging him for explanations. Finally, he told me that he was going to be honest with me, but that it might hurt to hear what he had to say. I told him that hurtful honesty is better than not knowing. He said that he had lost his attraction to me. He said that I am not the same person that I used to be. I don’t get this. I am exactly the same person that I used to be. Sure, I’ve put on a few pounds and I have been wanting to take them off for a long time. I feel that with work, I can get those pounds off. But I am wondering if that is going to be enough to re-attract him. How in the world can I change to get him attracted to me again? I know that I am the same person, so I guess I am going to have to change in order to save my marriage.”

I hear from a lot of folks who want to know how to change. And please don’t take this the wrong way. What I am about to say does not mean that I do not think change is possible. I do. I believe that it is possible to change your behaviors and perceptions. I believe that it is possible to enhance or to make the most of what you have. But I don’t believe that it’s possible (or advisable) to change the core of who or what you are.

Yes, it probably would not hurt to get as healthy as you possibly can and to make an effort to look nice for both yourself and for your husband. But completely changing yourself is likely not what he is asking for or expects. You have to remember that you are the woman whom he fell in love with. You are the mother of his children. You have a long history with him that you should not discount.

Know What He’s Really Asking Of You: I will tell you something that might be important. I sometimes hear from husbands of new mothers or mothers of young children. In no way is this your fault, but these husbands can sometimes feel discounted or ignored. If they are being honest, they will tell you that they feel their wife no longer has time for them. They will tell you that all of the attention, energy, and effort goes to the children. They will tell you that their wife is no longer the playful, laughing, vibrant woman that she once was.

Why am I telling you this? Because it may not be solely your looks that you are dealing with. You may focus only on the pounds and miss what is the core issue. Your husband may simply want more of your time, attention, and effort. So while I think it’s always wise to be as healthy as you can and to look nice for your own self-confidence and well being, I also think that it’s equally as important to take some time for your spouse, for yourself, and for your marriage.

Yes, that may be more difficult now that you are separated, but it can be done. Cultivate the person that you used to be. Take some time to focus on yourself and your own interests so that you become your own person again. Don’t get me wrong. Men love their children. They want their wife to focus on their children and families. But they also want the wife who placed some focus on them also. They also want a wife who is vibrant, interesting, and captivating.

I know you might be thinking: “well this all sounds nice, but it’s hard to do all that with kids.” I know this very well. But it makes sense to at least try to strike that balance. Because having two involved and present parents is also very good for your children. So it makes sense to try very hard to get the balance right for their sake and without any guilt.

I’m telling you this because I firmly believe that getting a husband attracted to you again is only partially about your looks or your sex appeal. Honestly, I think that looks are only a small part of the equation. I think that the bigger part is being present, attentive, and enthusiastic. Men adore women who they think understand and prioritize them. In fact, I’d argue that they place a higher value on this than on looks.

I too assumed that I needed to boost my looks to get my separated husband back.  This wasn’t as effective as I had hoped.  It wasn’t until I changed my approach that I truly saw results.   You can read more about how that played out on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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