Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  I often hear from wives who are very anxious to get their husbands back during a trial or marital separation. Often, they truly are doing the best that they can. They are trying to stay strong and trust the process. But they usually miss their husbands terribly and they are terrified that a divorce in the their future.

I heard from a wife who said “my husband and I have been separated for about five weeks. He doesn’t have much contact with me. He does see the kids regularly but he seems to want to avoid me. Once after the kids had their sports games, we went out to dinner. We all seemed to have a good time and we laughed a lot. I thought that might lead to him wanting to see me more but it hasn’t. I have called him a couple of times trying to take the initiative but he has pretty much shut me down. I don’t know what to do. He used to be so attracted to me and now it seems like he wants nothing to do with me. And yet, I can’t forget that night at the restaurant. I know he was flirting with me. I caught him checking me out. I don’t know how he can turn it off and on like that. How can I attract him to me while we’re separated and when I don’t see him very often?”

I could almost feel this wife’s desperation and not just because she was very descriptive. I know what she was feeling because I have been there myself. I was that same wife who was trying so hard to attract her separated husband and get his attention. But the unfortunate truth is that the harder I tried, the less interested he was. The more I tried to pull him toward me, the more rejected I felt. And, it wasn’t until I literally almost threw up my hands and backed away that he suddenly became interested (and dare I say attracted) to me again. But it was a long process that I made harder by refusing to see what was right in front of me. I will explain more below.

See If You Can Manufacture Accidental Run Ins That Are Not Overly Obvious: Before you throw up your hands like I did (which actually ended up working,) see if you can manufacture a casual meeting that hopefully goes well and leads to more. For example, in this scenario the wife knew with everything she had that she and her husband clicked and flirted when they went out to eat as a family. But, this hadn’t been replicated. So I felt it was worth a try to see if she could recreate this somehow. She had been waiting for her husband to approach her and he hadn’t. And, she had taken the initiate but been rejected. So it was worth a try to see if she could manufacture a chance meeting. Perhaps she could accidentally run into him somewhere that she knew he was going. Or she could invite him to one of her kids’ events with the hopes that another restaurant outing would follow.

But no matter how you go about this, make it seem easy and unplanned. Don’t appear nervous or show that this is all you have been thinking about for days. Please believe me when I say that it is vitally important that you appear to be busy and coping. A depressed, desperate person who is placing a lot of pressure on her husband is not going to be seen as attractive as someone who is doing her best to remain busy, true to herself, and remaining as positive as she possibly can. Appear as relaxed as you can muster. Laugh. Make light of the conversation. Show him the playful woman he used to love. Make sure that you look your best but don’t appear that you are trying too hard or got all dressed up especially for an occasion that should be unplanned and casual. If it’s clear that you planned it all along, the results are probably not going to be what you are hoping for.

If All Else Fails, Try Backing Away To Pique His Curiosity: In my own situation, it became clear that my husband wasn’t particularly interested or attracted to me while I was pursuing him. Eventually, I felt so badly about the situation that I was on the verge of giving up. High school friends and family urged me to come back to my hometown for some TLC. I finally relented and went back for a visit. But I didn’t tell my husband I was going because I didn’t think he would care.

Frankly, going home was exactly what I needed. I came back refreshed, not nearly as frantic, and more accepting of whatever should happen with my husband. I decided to just see what was going to unfold and to try not to push so hard. I didn’t have high hopes for this new strategy, but eventually it worked quite well. My husband had wondered where I went. He wondered why suddenly I was so silent. He may have wondered if there was someone else. Unbelievably, he started to reach out to me. I had been reading a lot about not trying too hard and the laws of attraction. So although I was absolutely dying to fall into his arms and beg him to come back, I held off and tried to let him take the initiative some. This helped tremendously and I have no doubt that this made me appear much more attractive to him. When I suddenly wasn’t trying so hard and was no longer measuring my day by his response to me, suddenly everything I did worked so much better.

Some of my friends told me I was playing games and maybe I was. But I wasn’t overtly lying to my husband or acting maliciously. I was just thinking of basic human nature and the simple law of supply and demand. Sometimes, the most effective way to get your husband more attracted to you when you’re separated is to not try so hard and to let it come to you naturally.

As I alluded to, backing off a little bit and making my husband wonder actually made me more attractive to him during our separation. It wasn’t until I began this process that I started seeing vast improvements in our relationship and we eventually saved our marriage. If it helps, you can read that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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