Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who aren’t sure about what is the appropriate way to act toward their spouse who has announced that he is going to be moving out, usually for a trial or marital separation. Many spouses are somewhat disappointed in or angry at the their spouse for leaving the home. So it is only natural to feel at least some negative feelings about this process, and as a result, toward your spouse. At the same time, though, if you want to save your marriage, then you can intuitively know that allowing this anger to fully show may not be in your best interest. Still, no wants to feel as if they have to pretend or hide your true feelings.

In this situation, I might hear a comment like: “my husband just announced that he is going to be moving out this weekend. That is only four days away. I am very hurt by this, although he has been talking about doing this for quite some time now. Honestly, I guess I never thought that he would actually walk out on me. I don’t want for him to leave. I don’t want to give up on my marriage. But I am so mad at him for being so immature that he’s going to pack his bags and leave rather than stay and fight for our marriage like a man. It makes me very angry at him. But at the same time, I’m hoping to save my marriage. And I don’t know how I’m supposed to act around him. Things are going to be so awkward. Part of me wants to try to make the best of it but another part of me wants to just give him the cold shoulder. He says he isn’t sure what he wants to happen with our marriage. He says he just wants to be on his own for a little while. I think that this is very selfish and immature but I am not sure if I should show him this with my actions toward him. What is the best way to act toward the husband who is moving out?”

Try Not To Make Assumptions About How Either Of You Should Feel: The answer to this question, at least in my mind, the answer depends upon whether or not you want to save to your marriage. If you do, then you’ll have to be careful as to not damage your relationship during this process. It’s absolutely normal to be angry, and scared, and unsure. Believe it or not, you husband could very well be feeling these emotions also. He may have mixed feelings about moving out. People often assume that he can’t wait to be on his own, but this isn’t always the case. It can be wrong to just assume that he’s feeling happy and relieved to be free. He may well be struggling also.

And you have to remember that what you do now may well affect your ability to save your marriage later. However, with this said, that doesn’t mean that you have to hide your true feelings or act fake. Frankly, it’s probable that your husband knows you quite well and isn’t going to believe any act that you put on anyway. If he sees you pretending, this may make him reluctant to believe any of your claims going forward.

Be Honest, But Also Be Practical And Have An Eye Toward The Future: While I think that it’s fine to be somewhat honest about how you are feeling, you always want to try to put a positive spin on things looking forward. In short, you want to set things up so that things between you are favorable once he moves out. You’ll want to make it so you have easy access to him so that you can connect while he is living somewhere else.

I think that it can help to have an open conversation about this at a time when you are both calm. You want to set the stage about what is to come. You might want to say something like: “well, obviously I’m very disappointed and sad that you are moving out. This makes me concerned for our marriage. And I’m hoping that once you have the time that you need, we can come together again and work on improving our marriage so that living apart is no longer necessary. I am your wife and I love you and want to support you. So I hope that in the coming weeks, we can work together to make this go as smoothly as possible. Can we talk about how this is going to go once you leave? Do you envision us getting together or speaking regularly? What’s your ideal situation?”

Then, just sit back and allow for him to answer. He may not have thought about the logistics that are going to be necessary following his moving out. Many men don’t give this much thought until you ask them about it. They only know that they’d like some time and space and they don’t think of the details that go hand in hand with this.

Try to at least have the appearance of being calm and supportive. You don’t want to create a situation where he’s avoiding you because he knows that you are angry or he’s afraid to directly tell you the truth. That’s why this can be delicate situation that requires for you to measure honesty with what is going to work best for saving your marriage. Your husband likely knows you well enough to know that you’re going to be angry and hurt. But sometimes, you have to move beyond this for the greater good. At this point, he’s still your husband and you’ve established that you still love him and want to save your marriage. So now it’s time to act accordingly.

My husband was aware that I was hurt and a little annoyed when he moved out.  But I eventually learned that he responded much better to me when I acted upbeat and positive around him.  So I had to create a balance and this eventually helped me to save my marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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