Leslie Cane Articles

by: leslie cane: I often hear from wives who are in the middle of a marital separation that they want to end as soon as possible. To that end, many want to make sure that they are acting in a way meant to get their husband back home and committed to the marriage. And many worry about how they are being perceived during the separation. They don’t want to say or do anything (or act in such a way) that is going to make a reconciliation less likely.

I recently heard from a wife who was confused as to the best way to act around her husband while they were separated.  Being apart and not knowing what was going to happen to her marriage had made her quite depressed and frightened, but she intuitively knew that allowing him to see the full extent of this might not be the best idea.  She said, in part: “I’m not sure how to act around my husband while we’re separated.   The truth is, I’m scared, angry, depressed, and unsure of this whole process, but my friends tell me that I should act like the opposite is true.  They tell me that I should pretty much pretend like I don’t care all that much and just try to act as if I’m trusting the process the whole time.  Part of me understands focusing on the positive, but another part of me feels like this is just dishonest and playing games.  My husband knows me very well.  He knows I didn’t want the separation and he probably has a pretty good idea of just how devastated I am.  Acting differently than this just feels wrong to me.  But, I’m willing to try anything to get him to end the separation.  I’ll act or say anything necessary to save my marriage.  What is the best way to act around a husband while you’re separated?”  I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

You Don’t Want To Abandon Your True Self While You’re Separated Anymore Than You Want To Act In Any Way That’s Not Believable: Many people who contact me mirror this wife’s concerns.  They’ve read or heard that you should act uncaring while ignoring your spouse.  In other words, many people will try to use reverse psychology or play hard to get in the hopes that this will make their spouse want them more.

So they will try on another persona or they will say or do things that feel completely foreign to them (and are quite hard for them to pull off convincingly.)  In my opinion and experience, this can be as a big of a mistake as focusing on your depression and fear.  No one wants to feel manipulated or lied to.  But this is how your spouse is likely to feel in the very likely event they realize what you are doing.  And, if you’re trying on a different personality that is so far away from who you truly are, your spouse is very likely to see exactly what you are doing and not respond very positively.  When this happens, you’ve just made your job much more difficult because now they approach every thing that you do or say (and every claim you make) with suspicion and doubt.

While I do agree that there’s a right and wrong way to act around your husband while you’re separated, you never want to take this so far that you’re trying to act like someone you are not or you’re being downright dishonest.  I believe it’s perfectly fine to focus on the positive and to spin reality to your best advantage, but many take this much too far so that it actually has the opposite effect of what they were after the whole time.

Allowing Your Husband To See A Strong, Coping, And Vibrant Version Or Yourself Is Different Than Denying The Truth,  Pretending That You Just Don’t Care About Him, Or Want A Separation That You Don’t Support: When I say that many people take this much too far, what I mean by that is that many wives will attempt to make their husband’s believe that they just don’t care about the separation or that they actually completely support it or think that it’s a fabulous idea.  First, this is a dangerous game to play if there’s a chance you can’t pull it off.  Second, it’s my belief and observation that this can sometimes backfire in a big way when you take it too far.

I believe that you are better off focusing on more polished and positive version of the truth.  There’s no need to pretend you support the separation if in truth it is your worst case scenario (although you shouldn’t always dwell on this either.)  It’s potentially damaging to your relationship if you pretend that you don’t care enough about your spouse to be hurt or frightened by the separation (and this probably wouldn’t ring true for your spouse anyway.)

At the same time, you don’t want to focus on your sadness and your fears so much that it becomes a negative experience for your spouse every time they attempt to interact with you. Because this will sometimes make a reconciliation much less likely.  People generally don’t want to spend large amounts of time with someone else that constantly brings them down. To the extent that you can, you want to choose positive topics on which to place your focus when you are around your spouse. It’s expected that your spouse knows you didn’t want the separation and aren’t exactly embracing now.  But there’s a big difference between the truth being out there and dwelling on it so much that it is always the elephant in the room that puts an abrupt halt to any progress that you might have otherwise made.

When you’re separated, you don’t want or need your husband’s pity.  The goal isn’t for him to come home because you’ve made it clear that you can’t or don’t want to live without him.  (This lays a very shaky foundation that is likely to crumble as soon is you hit another rough patch.)  Instead, you want him to come home and end the separation because it’s what he truly wants since you’ve shown him that the two of you can and did relate in a positive, genuine, and healthy way during the separation.

Showing Your Husband The Positive, But Genuine Version Of Yourself That You Know He Will Respond To During The Separation: I know that focusing on the positive so that your husband responds in kind is easier said that done.  I know it’s tough to appear that you’re coping and remaining as upbeat as you can while your heart is breaking.  But you have to keep asking yourself whether, if the roles were reversed, you yourself would respond positively to the person who you are putting on display.

I always suggest steering clear of topics that are going to be difficult to navigate convincingly, at least at first.  It’s also very important to keep yourself busy so that when you are together, it’s clear that you weren’t just sitting home crumbling and waiting for the next encounter.  You have to ask yourself who your husband is best going to respond to right now.  The answer is probably some part of yourself that he loves deeply but hasn’t seen all that much lately.

In order to do this convincingly, you usually have to surround yourself with the experiences, people, and things that support you, bring a smile to your face, and allow you to project this to others. Doing this can seem selfish or even indulgent when your marriage hangs in the balance, but reality is often just the opposite.  Because this is what is going to allow you to GENUINELY project the positive and coping persona that is most likely to get your husband to respond correctly and allow you to cope in the most genuine way possible.  I know that it’s tempting to sit at home and sulk or focus on your fears and what you don’t have.  But I promise you will usually get better results if you put yourself out there and focus on the positive things that you do have.

When my husband left, I made many of the mistakes I described in this article. I sulked, tried to pretend I didn’t care, and acted in a way that was obviously quite manufactured and not what I really felt.  I stalked,  begged, threatened, and acted very badly. These things back fired. Thankfully, I finally was able to change course, forced myself to focus on the positive, and eventually saved the marriage. You can read more of that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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