Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from couples who assume that when things get so bad that one of them has to move out, then there’s no real choice except to get a divorce. Many just do not believe that once someone walks outside of the marital home to live on their own, that things can ever be repaired again.

A wife might say: “for the last three months, my husband and I have been fighting constantly. He has allowed his deadbeat, ex-con brother back into our lives. My husband now suddenly believes in second chances. I have drawn the line at having him live with us, but my husband sees him, gives him money, and emotionally supports him. My husband says that his brother has changed and that his crime was over twenty years ago.  He says that his brother has more than paid for his mistakes and that I don’t have any right to keep him from connecting with his family. I see his point, somewhat. But I am worried about what bringing the brother back into our lives is going to mean. I worry that my husband will become invested in him and get hurt. Anyway, this has been the biggest source of our fights, but if I am being honest, I have to admit that we were fighting long before the brother came back into town.  The situation with his brother just intensified our arguments. Last night, it all came to a head and my husband left. This morning, he sent me a text saying that he wasn’t coming back immediately and has decided to just move out for a while. This infuriates me. And I’m starting to think that maybe I should go ahead and file for divorce so that I am the first one to it. Should I divorce him since he’s moved out?”

Honestly, this is a decision that only you can make. But if you are considering a divorce because you are assuming that you can’t possibly save your marriage after one spouse moves out, that’s not always correct. Many people do reconcile even after one of them moves out and even if this process takes a little while, time wise.

I guess one central question that is not clear here is whether or not you are still invested in your marriage. Clearly, there is some anger about your husband’s brother. And you may feel that your husband’s actions might indicate that, at least for right now, he is prioritizing his relationship with his brother over his relationship with you.

But, if you at least try to see things from his point of view, this is his family. It is understandable that he would want to support his brother. Enough time has passed that he may believe that his brother has changed. This may or may not turn out to be true. But asking someone to turn their back on their nuclear family is asking a lot.  Yes, he may get hurt.  And I understand why you are concerned.  But, I believe that if you keep him from his brother, he will always blame you for this and he will romanticize a relationship with his brother that was thwarted.  But if you don’t oppose him and it goes badly, you will be there to pick up the pieces.  He will know that you were right, but he won’t resent you.

I can’t tell you if there is any legal advantage to filing for a divorce first. But I think that it might be a mistake to just assume that there is going to be a divorce. By doing so, you may not even be giving your marriage a chance when it may have had one otherwise.

My suggestion would be to give this a couple of days. Allow yourself to calm down some and reflect on what you really want. Ask yourself if there might be something left of your marriage if you were able to compromise, get counseling, learn more effective conflict negotiation, or any combination of these things.

I admit that I am biased here. My parents divorced in my early teenage years and it was very painful for every one involved. I went through a separation in my own marriage which was equally painful so it is always my inclination to try to save marriages before you just give up on them.

Sure, not every marriage can be saved. But many can. And many of the couples with saved marriages will tell you how upsetting it is to look back and see how close they came to walking away from what, and who, was truly important to them. I am not saying that this will turn out to be the case with you. I can’t predict this. I am just saying that I think it could be a mistake to decide to divorce your spouse over one event before you take the time to reflect what you truly want with a calm heart.

If after you try different things to save the marriage and are still unhappy, then at least you will be able to walk away with a clear conscience. And if it does work and you are able to improve and save your marriage, you might be very glad that you didn’t just immediately walk away.

As I alluded to, my own separation was very painful.  I can only imagine how painful a divorce would have been.  I have never regretted saving my marriage.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin