Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Most of the time, spouses who are reluctant to separate in the first place hope that the separation is over as quickly as is possible.  Often, they fear that the longer the separation goes on, the less of a chance there is that they can save their marriage.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband and I have been separated for almost nine months.  At first, it was just supposed to be a brief trial separation.  He said he just needed some time to sort out his feelings.  He said he wanted some peace and quiet for himself.  I didn’t think that this would last for very long.  I figured that the worst-case scenario was him being gone for a month or maybe two.  Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine that almost three quarters of a year would go by and we would not be back together.  Some friends of mine told me that the separation has gone on for so long that it is time for me to face reality.  They say that the length of the time is too long and that it means my marriage is over.  Are they right?” I will tell you my opinion on this below.

Why There Is No Deadline For Getting Back Together:  Admittedly, the longer the two of you are separated, the more discouraging this can be.  After all, things often become more and more awkward. As a result, you can start to wonder if the long separation just indicates that there is no hope left.  However, I have known of many couples who reconciled many months or even years after their separation started.  Admittedly, this isn’t the norm.  But it does happen.  I know because it happened for me.  And often when it happens it is because someone has made a deliberate and valiant effort to hold onto their marriage.  Below, I’ll offer some suggestions on how to do this.

Make Sure That You Don’t Become Complacent And Allow The Distance To Become Both Literal And Figurative:  One of the main reasons that the passage of time is such a threat during a separation is because the passage of time causes doubt and awkwardness.  One or both people begin to wonder why their spouse isn’t reaching out more and, because they fear rejection, they may back off also.

And before you know it, a good chunk of time has gone by without any interaction.  And then one day leads to another and eventually you are looking at weeks or even months since you’ve spoken to or seen your spouse.  You want to avoid this if at all possible.  Even if things are uncertain or awkward, you still want to keep the lines of communication open.  Sure, things might be so awkward that all you can manage is a weekly cup of coffee together.  This is certainly better than nothing and if you can see it up so that your time together is pleasant and that you both come to expect or look forward to this time, then that is something on which you can build.

But it is better to have regular and awkward or tense conversations and meetings than none at all.  You don’t want to let too much go by without any communication at all.  If this is the case in your situation, then it can make sense to take the initiative to try to change this.  Yes, you may feel vulnerable and like you are risking rejection.  But keep things very simple and light-hearted.  Your goal is not to save your marriage in one meeting or even a series of meetings.  Your real goal is just to begin to improve your interactions, even if it is only a little bit.  You already know that this is going to be a gradual process.  But if you can get your relationship back onto the road of something regular, even if it is just casual and short meetings or communications, then this is something that is worth doing.

There Is No Expiration Date On Your Marriage:  People often think that if too much time passes, their spouse is eventually going to forget about them or their marriage. Or, they fear that their spouse may meet someone else.  These things do sometimes happen, but they are also only temporary sometimes.  People get back together and reconcile all of the time.  There’s no expiration date on your marriage or any period of time where you have reached the point of no return.  Of course, it is in your best interest to try to keep things positive and to try to improve things so that a reconciliation happens sooner rather than later.

But I am living proof that you can be separated for a long frustrating time and yet still be able to get back together eventually.  If I had given up when everyone was telling me that too much time had passed, then I would not be still married today.  No one but you and your spouse can decide when it is truly over.  And frankly, people are often quite sure that it is over only to be pleasantly surprised to learn that it isn’t. If it helps, you can read my story of recovery on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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