Leslie Cane Articles

by: leslie cane: I recently heard from a wife whose husband had moved out of their home. She was very clear on the fact that she wanted to get him to come back home as soon as possible. Not only did she miss him horribly, but she wasn’t sure how to explain this situation to her children and she resented having to run the household by herself. She also felt that the husband had overreacted when he moved out. Yes, they had been having problems for a while, but she herself would’ve never just walked out on her family.

The wife wasn’t sure how to go about this in the best way. The husband had been resistant to her communications. He wasn’t calling or texting her back. And, at least at this time, he didn’t seem willing to sit down and to try to work things out. However, the wife didn’t like the idea of just backing off either. She worried that the longer the husband was gone, the harder it would be to get him back. So, she was sort of stuck between worrying about doing too much and worrying about doing too title.

I understand this situation very well because I have been there myself. And, at first, I bombarded my husband with communications and dialog which only made things much worse. In fact, it wasn’t until I backed off out of complete frustration that I began to gain some ground. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Getting Your Husband To Come Back Home After He’s Moved Out Is Usually A Gradual Process: It is absolutely normal to want to get him home yesterday or earlier. There is nothing fun about living alone and worrying that he might never come back. And unfortunately, this can lead us to be tempted to doing very dramatic and negative things in an attempt to get his attention or to get some response. But usually, taking this strategy ends up making things worse and turns out to be something that you later regret and can’t take back.

You are usually better off accepting gradual progress on which you can slowly build. He’s likely left the home because he feels that a break from the tension and conflict might ultimately make the situation better. So, it’s often more smart to go with this process rather than to fight against it. Not only that, if you debate with him or try to change his mind, he will often limit your access to him or avoid you altogether.

So, it’s often advisable to make it clear that although you don’t really want him to leave, your ultimate goal is that the two of you be happier. And, arguing with him or interacting in negative ways isn’t likely to get this. So, you’re willing to give him the time that he needs and you’re enthusiastic about using this time to work on yourself. Often, this is going to peak a husband’s curiosity. I can’t tell you how many wives tell me that they were reluctant about this strategy but that they almost immediately noticed their husband’s attitude change once they change strategies.

Using His Time Away To Change His Perceptions: One thing that you have to keep in mind is that right now, your husband perceptions of you, the marriage, and your home are so vitally important. You want him to have positive perceptions about and to miss these things rather than him coming to the conclusion that he wants to stay away. Ask yourself what qualities your husband most loves about you and has been missing. These are the things that you want to show him right now. However, you have to be very deliberate and genuine about this.

You want to keep every interaction and encounter very upbeat and make sure you end things on a positive note. Don’t let these encounters go on for too long so that things become awkward. Basically, you want to set it up so that both of you leave wanting more and wanting to repeat the process. This sometimes means portraying yourself as someone who is busy and who is spending a lot of time with the supportive people in her life. It can be important that he doesn’t see you as the sad, moping, devastated and desperate woman who is just sitting at home waiting for him to return.

Instead, you want to show him that although you miss him, you’re coping quite well and taking this time for yourself. You never want to see other men, but there is nothing wrong with letting him know that you aren’t moping at home either. Ultimately, you will likely be in the best position if it’s him who wants to come home. Finally, I want to mention one more thing. Now is not the time to harp on or attempt to “work on” your problems. Yes, you will need to eventually do this when he comes back home. But, when you are disconnected from one another and things are volatile, no one is really listening or fully invested anyway.

You are often much better off letting the time work for you and settling for gradual and lasting improvements. If you can gradually improve the relationship and interactions between you, then you might likely find that you’re connecting in such a new and meaningful way so that he himself wants to come home as much as you want for him to be there.