Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often write about preventing separation or  divorce even when things are arguably looking quite dire. So I obviously believe that it’s never too late and never too impossible to rescue your marriage. With this said, I have found from my own experience and from watching other couples in similar situations that it helps greatly to embrace a mindset that is conducive to your marriage-saving goals. I will list ways to help you embrace this mindset below. I’ve found that these things can work pretty quickly when you convincingly pull them off.

Don’t Harp On Where You Disagree. Validate Your Spouse Instead: When your spouse is set on a divorce and you aren’t, it is safe to say that you’re having major differences of opinion and perceptions. You may even think that your spouse is being negative, selfish, or hyperbolic. You may wonder what has gotten into your spouse. And all of these concerns may have some validity. But, right now, you need to find some common ground. And this is extremely hard to do when you’re on opposing sides of the same argument, and he is defensive because you’ve let him know just what you think of his faulty logic. 

It doesn’t make him a bad person to want to be happy. He is human for wanting to live a fulfilled life. Yes, you and I both know that this life can and should include you. But you don’t want to dig in so hard that he thinks he needs to get away from you to have the life that he wants. So you need to be somewhat objective and accommodating. I know that may sound like a lot to ask. But you are giving some to get even more.

You want him to see you as a redeemable spouse with whom he can work. And a spouse like that would want him to be happy and would want to build him up rather than tear him down. I know you think that some of what he’s saying and doing is wrong. But you have to be careful about how you express this. You want him to see you as a partner rather than an adversary. 

Evaluate Your Message:  I know that it’s very tempting to try to be helpful and to point out where your spouse is wrong. You figure if you just use the correct reasoning, he may suddenly see the light. If this doesn’t work, many people will try to use guilt, debate, or passive/aggressive punishments or withholding of affection. When you do this, do you realize what message you are sending? You’re telling your spouse that his feelings don’t matter to you as much as your own. You’re insulating that you only want to play ball when you get your own way. 

After a while, he’s going to shut down and stop listening to you because he may suspect that nothing is going to change. He may come to believe that you’re not really listening. You’re only trying to talk him out of his point of view. Right now, it’s your job to change this perception. 

The next time your spouse brings up his concerns, resist the urge to roll your eyes, point out where he’s wrong, or tell him that he’s being silly. Instead, make eye contact, take him by the hand, and ask open-ended questions that show your genuine interest. 

Never Underestimate Your Husband’s Simple, Basic Needs Which We All Share:  I know firsthand that most issues that lead to a separation or divorce are complex. However, some marital issues come down to very simple basic needs that we all desperately need to have met. We all want to be heard. We all want to feel loved and understood. We want the intense attention and affection that reassures us that we are truly desired. We want to be seen and appreciated. 

It’s so important to keep this in mind when you are dealing with your spouse. That angry, resentful man who is lashing out may also be a hurt little boy who desperately wants his wife to understand him but who is pushing her away at the very same time because she’s not listening. 

You definitely don’t want to give your husband the impression that he is just one more thing that is causing you problems. Instead, try to see him as just as vulnerable and hurting as you are. That will make it easier to approach him with understanding and kindness. 

 Let Go Of Any Need To Win: When I was separated, I found that every time I was able to put myself in my spouse’s shoes, this was helpful and usually made things better. However, sometimes when I encourage others to do this, I get a lot of resistance. People understandably have reactions like, “You’re asking me to be so accommodating when he never accommodates me.” I understand this type of score-keeping because I did it myself early on. But I can tell you that it often makes things worse. This type of inability to compromise just creates a deeper divide between you and your husband.

Don’t demand to be right so much that you can no longer see what is truly important. I know it is going to feel like you are always making the first move and giving the most. You may be the one who is making the initial changes. And that can feel frustrating. But you know what feels worse? Not having your marriage and your husband. 

Giving some in this situation can often mean receiving so much more. When your husband sees you going out on this type of limb and making this type of effort, he is going to take notice. And he may eventually start being a lot more receptive, which makes your job so much easier. If he starts mirroring you and giving a little of himself, well, imagine how much of a difference this would make. 

Very few of us kept score early on. When we were first in love, we couldn’t do enough for each other. And our relationship was gloriously happy. I’d guess that both you and your spouse want to feel this way again. You can agree on that. And if you can return the time and attention to your relationship with an open, giving mindset, you can begin to heal. It isn’t impossible. It doesn’t even need to be all that difficult 

Approach this from a place of affection, understanding, patience, and teamwork – even if you have to give a little more. In the end, you’re both going to win no matter who gives the most. 

Take this one day at a time.  But don’t give up.  It is possible to save your marriage even if it doesn’t look promising right now.  If it helps, you can read about how I finally did it on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com/

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