Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  I often hear from wives who have long been discouraged about their husband coming back home.  Many had high hopes in the beginning, but those same hopes are fading fast today.  It can be difficult to be patient when you’re seeing no real progress and no end in sight.

I heard from a wife, who said, in part: “my husband moved out eight months ago.  Neither of us has filed for a divorce but he seems to have moved on with his life.   We aren’t in regular contact, although we do run into one another sometimes.   All along, I’ve hoped that he would come to his senses, see that single life wasn’t for him, and come home.  That is no closer to happening today than it was on the day he moved out.  I’m pretty sure he’s seeing other people.  I’m not seeing anyone and don’t intend to.  I’m still invested in my marriage.  But my friends and family tell me I’m crazy.  They say that he has obviously moved on and it’s time that I do the same.  I know that they are probably right.  But in my own mind, I keep thinking that as long as we are not legally divorced, there is still a chance.   What do you think?  How long is reasonable to wait until I’m forced to move on with my life?”

I know exactly where this wife was coming from.  When you still love your husband and you still believe in your marriage, the thought of just walking away when there might be a chance to salvage what is left is excruciating.   You worry that you’ll turn your back and move on only to wonder what would have happened if you gave it a little more time.

I believe that you can begin the process of moving on with your life without needing to give up on your marriage, at least in the beginning.  This can potentially allow you the best of both worlds because you still have hope, but for your own self preservation, you’re allowing yourself the opportunity to get on with your life.

Moving On With Your Life While Still Hoping That Your Marriage Will Be Saved: When I say “move on with your life” I don’t mean immediately going out with anyone of the opposite sex who asks.   Besides, if you’re still invested in your marriage, going out in a romantic way with someone else is just going to feel like a forced exercise in futility and that’s not fair to anyone.

But, nothing says that you can’t pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go out with friends who offer you support.   The wife in this situation was sitting at home night after night watching TV, reading romantic novels, and obsessively pouring over her wedding photos.  And, this is quite understandable (and even comforting) in the beginning, but this had been going on for several months.  In short, she was stuck in a self destructive loop because what she was doing wasn’t really making her all that much more hopeful.  It wasn’t improving her situation with her husband.  And it wasn’t offering her any relief in how badly she already felt.

So it probably wouldn’t hurt to take a break from the four walls of her lonely apartment and laugh a little with her friends, who she’d all but shut herself away from.  Supportive human contact can be like a life raft in a situation like this.  Going out with her girlfriends in situations where she could forget her problems while laughing and bonding with a bunch of giggling women wasn’t going to affect (or even hurt) the process that was going on in her marriage.  And it might help her outlook as she struggled through it.  Getting out and seeing friends doesn’t mean  giving up on your marriage.  It just means that you care enough about yourself to prioritize your own needs and wishes.

I often encourage people to remove themselves from the endless loop of staring at the same four walls while dwelling on what you think you might have lost.  You will feel better if you pursue your passions or hobbies and surround yourself with those that can make you laugh and distract you from your troubles.

And sometimes, as you’re living your life once again rather than waiting for someone else, you might find that this suddenly makes your husband a bit more interested.  This is not at all uncommon.  Because he usually will wonder what brought about your change in attitude and he will see you as a stronger and more capable person.  In my opinion, you really don’t have anything to lose by moving on with your life while still hoping that he will eventually come around.  You’re still open to your marriage, but you’re allowing yourself to feel a little better by opening the door to those people who care about and want to support you.

I understand feeling like you might be betraying your husband or giving up if you commit to opening yourself up to living your own life.  But often, this helps the situation instead of hurting it.  I was very reluctant to start going out with my friends during our separation.  But quite frankly, as soon as I did, my husband actually became interested in me again.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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