Leslie Cane Articles

By:  Leslie Cane: Many people are uncomfortable about (or impatient with) the marriage saving process. Often, they aren’t seeing the progress that they expected. And sometimes, they think that the whole process is taking way too long, considering the disappointing results.  Many are dangerously close to giving up, due to their frustrations fueled by impatience.

A wife might explain: “my husband and I have been trying to save our marriage for about six months. At first, we tried to improve things on our own. Things would seem to get better for a while, but then we would find ourselves in the same old patterns with the same old problems. So we eventually tried counseling. Honestly, I had hoped that our results would be better. We seem to keep rehashing the same things with very little changes or improvements. I hadn’t expected this process to be so slow. It’s like a snail’s pace and I’m not sure how much longer I can stand it. The counselor isn’t cheap and sometimes I feel as if she drags it out to make more money off of us. Sometimes, I feel like maybe we should just call it quits and admit that we tried very hard, but we just couldn’t make our marriage work. For how long do most couples try to work on or save their marriage? Because I’m starting to feel like we are hanging on for too long.”

These are difficult questions to answer. Some couples will keep trying for as long as it takes to save their marriage and they don’t stop until they are successful in creating the marriage that they want. And other couples do not have the patience to keep trying without some improvement or payoff. Others chose to believe that their problems are just too big to overcome. However, other couples in the exact same situation would not see the problems as insurmountable. So it often depends upon the personalities and the commitment levels of the spouses as well as the marital issues that they are trying to overcome.

Personally, I don’t think that any amount of time is too long to try to save your marriage. You’re talking about spending the rest of your life with this person. So if you need to put in the time to make it right, I don’t think that this is too much to ask.

However, with that said, I do understand that there are times when the pace can feel excruciating. This can be especially true when you are paying a lot of money for something that isn’t really working or when you feel as if you are doing all the giving and your spouse is doing all of the taking. So below, I will offer some tips on how to handle it if you’re losing your patience with trying to work on or save your marriage.

What To Do When You’re Losing Your Patience When Trying To Save Your Marriage Or Are Worried That The Process Is Taking Too Long: I find that people who question the length of time or the cost of the process tend to deep down be worried that the whole thing isn’t going to work or that their marriage can’t be saved so what is the point of all of the time and money, anyway?

Unfortunately, your thoughts can influence your reality, so if you are having these questioning thoughts, ask yourself what isn’t working in the process of saving your marriage. Sometimes, when you dread going to counseling, you are not open to the process. There are times when finding the right counselor can make all of the difference. Plenty of people are able to save their marriages without counseling, though. And then there are others who will tell you that without a doubt, this professional help made saving their marriage possible. There really is not a right or wrong strategy. But there may be a strategy that is more or less right for you and for your marriage.

I often have people tell me that they feel as if they are doing all of the work and their spouse is just along for the ride or isn’t really trying to the best of their ability. If this is the case, speak up rather than just continuing to be frustrated or feeling slighted.

People sometimes tell me that they continue to fight over the same old issues with no resolution and that they don’t know how much longer they can continue to go around in circles. If this is the case, vow to not continue to do this. See if you and your spouse can agree to disagree or just vow to move forward with reconnecting while putting at least some of the issues on the back burner for the time being.

Sometimes, your problems can weigh you down so much that it’s a struggle to even put one foot in front of the other. And when you are placing most of your focus on these problems, then the frustration is sometimes magnified. You feel as if things are never ever going to get better. That’s why it’s sometimes advisable to shelf the problems for a little while and just focus on bonding with your spouse and looking at what is right rather than always dwelling what is wrong.

Because the truth is that it can take a good while to save your marriage. You are building a new and stronger foundation that will stand up to the challenges that you face. So it makes sense to make the process one that is actually pleasurable and fun rather than painful. If you are sitting there curling your toes or clenching your fists during the process, then ask yourself what is the major source of the stress. And then try to work around it or shelf it until you feel better able to cope with it.

Nothing says that this needs to be an excruciating process. It shouldn’t be. And if you are asking yourself how much longer it is going to last or whether you have held on too long, then perhaps it’s time to considering changing or tweaking your approach. There is nothing wrong with experimenting with different things until you are happy with the process.

Honestly, I thought that my husband and I tried to make our marriage work for far too long.  Things never seemed to get any better until one day he left.   It wasn’t until I changed my outlook and my strategy that things improved and we eventually saved our marriage.  If it helps, you can read that whole personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin