Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many people wonder about loveless, broken marriages. They want to know to survive them, how to be happy in them, or how to live in harmony within one, especially for the sake of children. Very interestingly, there aren’t quite as many requests for advice on how to fix them. It seems that couples living in a loveless marriage don’t think that it can ever change or really improve.

This is frustrating because I’ve seen countless so-called “loveless” or “broken” marriages turn around quite dramatically. And living in a home filled with love and affection truly is, at least in my opinion, the gold standard for all involved. So, in the following article, I’m going to tell you how I think it’s possible to fix or repair a loveless marriage.

The First Step In Repairing A Broken Marriage Is Not Allowing Definitions To Limit Your Beliefs: Here’s a common denominator that I often find in this situation. People’s perceptions and definitions can very much affect the outcome. And once you start referring to your marriage as “loveless,” you truly do limit your emotions, your perceptions, your expectations, and possibly the health of your marriage.

I certainly don’t doubt that your marriage is struggling, could well be non fulfilling, and could feel quite devoid of love. Many people in this situation say that they’re only going through the motions, living like roommates – never even acknowledging each other, or often only communicate in a negative way. I understand that it’s hard not to place labels on a situation like this. But please try to keep an open mind moving forward. This can make all the difference.

Determining Why Your Marriage No Longer Feels Loving: The next step would be pinpointing why you’re experiencing your marriage as you are. Why does it feel “loveless” to you? What is turning you (or your spouse) off the most? And, how long has it been this way? Because one thing that I almost always find is that very few marriages have been “loveless” from the very beginning.

No, typically something somewhere along the line changed. And sometimes, people will claim that it’s their spouse who has changed. I often hear comments like: “My husband has completely changed. He’s not the man I married. He’s lazy and sarcastic and I don’t even like him anymore, much less love him.” From husbands I hear things like: “My wife used to be so caring and so much fun. She used to listen to me and laugh with me. But now, she just looks at me as though I’ve disappointed her. She looks right through me and then nags.”

These perceptions can cloud and choke out the good things within your marriage and feed on themselves. And, when the perceptions change, unfortunately priorities and attention changes also. The final change is the feelings.

So, maybe you did go out and do fun things together regularly in the beginning of your marriage, but you doubt very much that this is possible now. Or, your spouse used to go out of their way to show and tell you how much they loved and appreciated you, but they rarely give you a second glance lately.

Why “Neglected” is a Better Description for a Broken Marriage: All of these changes are what contribute to your changing feelings and the way that you see and define your marriage. I often tell people that I think “neglected” is a better adjective for this kind of marriage than “loveless.”

And it’s not always the marriage that the spouses neglect. Yes, they neglect each other. But, they often neglect themselves also. Their happiness level goes way down and they sort of shut down and begin stumbling through every day and going through the motions without even thinking.

Shaking Up A Loveless Marriage To Repair The Damage And Get The Loving Feelings Back: If you continue on the way that you are, it’s likely a fair assumption that the way you feel won’t change either. And very often, when a marriage has become “loveless,” one of the reasons for this is that you’ve gotten into destructive habits. You must break these. And, that can be difficult when you’ve established negative marital norms that at least feel predictable.

But someone has to be that brave person who is going to stand up and shake things up a bit. Yes, this can make you feel exposed and vulnerable. But it’s sometimes worth it in the end. Ask your spouse on a date. Compliment them. Ask them open ended questions and really listen. Pinpoint what bothers you the most and have the courage to change it in a kind and loving way.

I know that some people think I’m nuts when I offer these suggestions. But I’ve seen marriages long left for dead produce people who are giggling like teenagers after pouring very deliberate attention onto their spouse and their marriage again. If your spouse isn’t giving you what you need to feel loved and loving, then ask yourself if you’re doing the same for them and then do it if you’re not.

All of us want the same things. We want to feel adored, understood and desired. If you make your spouse feel this way, they will likely eventually return the effort and you may well find yourself in a brand new marriage.

It’s very much my opinion and experience that it’s much easier to “fix” a seemingly loveless marriage than it is to start over when you may have already found your soulmate but no longer recognize or appreciate them due to your own perceptions and labels.