Leslie Cane Articles

Many wives who visit this blog already have anxiety about their marital separations. Most of these wives never wanted to separate in the first place. This entire scenario was set into motion by their husbands. I am writing this article in the hopes of lessening some of that painful anxiety. By listing the following five huge mistakes that I see happen over and over, I am hopeful that you can avoid these landmines and therefore have a quicker, more successful separation.

1. Allowing Other People Into Either Spouse’s Romantic Consciousness: I was going to title this paragraph “dating others,” but dating is not the only danger. Even romantic thoughts or communications with other people can put the possibility of a reconciliation in jeopardy. Trust issues are always on the table while you are separated. There is no need to make that worse by having to worry that either of you is striking up a new flirtation or relationship. Being separated is full of enough angst without adding this complex issue into the mix. Vow to take all flirtations or playful communications with the opposite sex off of the table and encourage your husband to do the same. You don’t need extra problems or confusion. And your time and attention should go into self-improvement and your marriage. I know you are lonely but fill the void with family and platonic friends.

2. Not Agreeing To Set Schedules For Communicating, Meetings, Or Counseling: Separated husbands are notorious for wanting to “wait and see how things go” before committing to a communication schedule. Do your best to iron out at least a rough agreement. So often, couples leave this issue open-ended and then in the blink of an eye, they haven’t seen or talked to one another in weeks. Needless to say, couples then drift apart, begin to assume the worst of one another, or have awkward silences once they do attempt to reconnect. Some husbands will not agree to counseling or to very stringent communication schedules right away. Take what he will give you and then build up from there, but at least secure a starting point. It’s important that you are in regular communication because this is the base from which everything else must be built. It can be helpful to agree on what type of communication is most comfortable. If you are expecting long telephone conversations but your husband is sending you texts, this can lead to hurt feelings and misunderstandings. Iron out as much as you possibly can before he leaves. It will save so much heartache later.

3. Having A Plan Focused On Fixing What Is Wrong Before Your Marriage Can Withstand It: Many couples feel like they have to erase their biggest problems BEFORE they begin to reconnect. In my own painful experience, this sequence is backward. At the beginning of your separation, the volatility between you gives you less of a chance of successfully navigating your worst problems. However, if you take the trickiest issues off the table UNTIL you are feeling connected and understood by your spouse again, you will have a much easier time. I am not suggesting that you put off your problems forever. You shouldn’t. But so many couples attempt this before their marriage is ready for the scrutiny. When this backward sequence doesn’t work, they give up. They may have been successful by just waiting.

4. Not Doing Self-Work While You Are Doing Couples Work: Wives often believe that their biggest task during the separation is convincing their husband to save their marriage and then carrying out the couple tasks which will make this happen. While accomplishing this is certainly important, you have a much higher chance of a successful (and lasting) reconciliation if you work on your self while you are working on your marriage. More time alone doesn’t seem like an advantage when you are separated. No one enjoys being lonely. But one advantage to having all this time is that you can work on and then improve yourself. If you are more patient, more compassionate, and more able to compromise when you come together, you will have a better, longer-lasting marriage. (Note: I offer free journal prompts here to help you work on yourself.)

5. Expecting A Reconciliation Immediately: I know first hand how horrible a marital separation feels. You want all of your issues solved yesterday and you want your husband to come home today. However, the events that lead to the separation happened over time. So the events that are going to lead to reconciliation are also going to take time. It’s so tempting and common to rush. But doing so will often feel like pressure to your husband and that scenario almost never ends well. If you accept that this process may be at least somewhat gradual, you will have an easier time with the pace and you will be less likely to pressure your husband.

I know that this process is difficult. It’s impossible to plan out your separation down to the last detail. But try to avoid the above mistakes. I made nearly every one of them initially (except for dating others.) As a result, my separation lasted for far longer than it should have.  You can read about how I finally got my own husband back at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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