Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Although actual divorce rates have been fluctuating this year due to COVID and the economy, it’s no secret that marital satisfaction is on the decline for many. Although not all couples are actually filing for divorce right now, many of them are thinking about it and are just waiting for a better time. Close quarters and too much time together can make problems that were already festering feel much more immediate. Some wives have reached out because they worry about a divorce in the coming weeks or months. Many of them assume that COVID is their biggest issue. But honestly, for many, 2020 has just created the environment that made existing problems worse. 

In this article, I’m going to list timely common causes of divorce over which you still have some control. There are many issues such as divorced parents, infidelity, or marrying young that you cannot control. I’m going to focus on issues that you can address today. The hope is that if you recognize any of these in your own marriage, you will take some immediate action. 

Reoccurring Conflict With No Effective Resolution: I can’t tell you how many wives tell me that the main form of communication in their marriage right now is fighting. Often, the same explosive issue just keeps reoccurring in the marriage over and over again. But what is worse is the couple can’t seem to effectively navigate it. Having a troubling issue crop up in your marriage could actually be healthy if you could work together and compromise to overcome it. But many times, it divides you because you cannot meet in the middle to work around it. A therapist once told me that she can tell which couples are most likely to divorce by the way that they fight in front of her. She said the ones who made fights personal rather than productive were at the highest risk. If you fight in this way, make it your immediate goal to change this. Come at it with a spirit of compromise. Always allow your spouse to maintain his dignity during an argument. 

Waning Intimacy / Empathy Or A Straight Up Lack Of It: Couples who feel empathetic and intimate toward one another tend to easily navigate problems that might derail less intimate marriages. When you feel tenderness and protectiveness toward your spouse, you are less likely to want to hurt them or have either of you living in a less than ideal situation. I often encourage wives in this situation to focus on re-establishing at least some empathy and intimacy before you even worry about tackling huge problems. It is that important. When you see your spouse as someone with valid, vulnerable feelings and important perceptions, you are more likely to approach any issues with respect, which substantially increases your odds of success.

Too Many Differences Where It Counts The Most: I’ve often written about how I think a marriage amongst opposites can work. And I do stand by that. My husband and I are quite different. However, it is very important that you and your spouse share common values and goals. For example, I believe that different personalities and points of view can thrive alongside one another as long as they agree that they will prioritize family life and mutual affection and respect. You can dislike a point of view that your spouse holds without disliking your spouse. You can disagree with your spouse’s opinion without finding your spouse disagreeable. But many couples get to a point where there is no longer a distinction between the two. It is so important to be able to separate your spouse from his or her beliefs and/or personality. 

Conflicts About The Security And Power That Money Represents: Everyone knows that money is one of the most common causes of divorce. There’s no denying that statistics show us that lower-income couples are more likely to divorce than wealthier couples. When people struggle to have their most basic needs met, it creates stress. And stress taxes a marriage. But I would argue that the power and security that are tied to money are actually a bigger factor than the money itself. Since couples often pool their financial resources, they must agree on how to spend, manage, and save it. Very few people are going to completely agree since very few people have the same feelings about money. But I’d argue that like every risk factor on this list, empathy and effective conflict resolution can go a long way toward having this be an issue that strengthens you rather than divides you. I know people who technically do not have a lot of financial assets, but who also have few financial worries because they are clear about how they will manage their money together. It’s not always about how much money you have, but rather about how you manage and value what you do have.

Differing Levels Of Commitment And Effort: There are rare couples who don’t have to worry about anything that I’ve written because they put their marriage above every other issue. For them, it doesn’t matter if they have stressors or money issues because they are very clear that NOTHING is going to come between themselves and their spouse. They are committed to their marriage first and everything else comes in a distant second place.

Likewise, some people routinely put 100% effort into their marriage. They leave notes for their spouse. They bring the coffee first thing in the morning. They plan romantic surprises. They prioritize their spouse’s happiness as high as their own. Many do this after many years of marriage. 

Unfortunately, this level of commitment and effort is increasingly rare. And, it’s even rarer for BOTH parties to share the same level of commitment. Quite often, there is one spouse who is very motivated to hold on while the other is leaning toward ending the marriage.  

I am not claiming that both spouses have to be fully committed to avoiding a divorce. I was 150% on board with saving my marriage while my husband wasn’t all that interested. For a while, it was my commitment that allowed us to tread water. Eventually, my husband did jump on board.

Anything that you can do to encourage commitment and effort will pay dividends later, even if it is only finding common ground in a few areas right now.

I hope this article has shown you that while some divorce risk factors are outside of your control, there are several that you CAN control. In fact, you can start right now. One of the biggest mistakes I made was just hoping my marriage would miraculously turn itself around. It didn’t.  And we ended up separated.  Eventually, I was able to remove some of these obstacles on my own.  And when my husband saw progress, he eventually got on board.  You can read that story at https://isavedmymarriage.com