Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: You didn’t sign up for a life that felt this heavy. You didn’t think your marriage would ever get to this state.  When you got married, you probably expected there would be ups and downs — every relationship has them. But what you didn’t expect was to feel this resentful, this emotionally drained, and honestly, this numb feeling that may be coming from a husband’s behavior. Because if you’re being really honest with yourself, a lot of it seems to trace back to one thing: your husband’s unhappiness.

Maybe he’s distant. Maybe he’s irritable. Maybe he’s just… there, but not really with you. And somewhere along the way, his emotional weight started falling on your shoulders because he’s telling you straight up that he is unhappy.

So you started adjusting, overcompensating, tiptoeing. You tried to stay upbeat when he was down. You worked harder to hold things together when he seemed disengaged. And after a while, without even realizing it, you became the emotional caretaker of your marriage. You felt it was your job to walk on eggshells and make everything right.

Now? You’re just tired. Not just physically — but mentally, emotionally, deeply tired.

What “Relationship Burnout” Looks Like: This kind of emotional exhaustion isn’t always easy to recognize. Especially when you’re still doing all the “right” things. You’re keeping the household running. You’re making pleasant conversation when you can. You’re showing up for him, again and again, — even when he doesn’t seem to notice or to remotely care.

But inside, you feel disconnected. You go through the motions. You say the words. But something inside you feels like it’s slowly shutting down. Because one person can only hold things up for so long until the walls come crashing down.  You’re not crazy. You’re not cold. You might be burnt out.

Relationship Burnout in a marriage happens when one partner — often the one who cares deeply — ends up carrying the emotional load for too long without enough support, recognition, or connection. Over time, the weight of your husband’s mood, silence, or unhappiness becomes your silent burden.

You try to cheer him up. You walk around tough moments. You tell yourself he’s just going through something and it will pass. But he’s rejecting you over and over. And maybe it’s been months now. Maybe even years.

And now, instead of feeling close to him, you feel worn out by him, and you worry that his unhappiness will lead to divorce or separation.

Rachel Needle, a licensed psychologist, told CNN:

“Relationship burnout is a state of emotional exhaustion that develops when the pressures and demands of maintaining a relationship outweigh the resources and support available to nurture it.”

What You Might Be Thinking: You may not even be able to pinpoint exactly when it started. Maybe it was after a big life change. Or a period of high stress. Or maybe he’s just been unhappy for so long that it’s become the norm — and you didn’t notice how much of yourself you’ve been sacrificing just to keep things functional.

Here’s some things women won’t say out loud, but quietly feel every day:

“I’m tired of being the one who holds it together when he’s the one who’s unhappy.”

“I feel guilty for not feeling connected anymore, but I’ve got nothing left to give.”

“I’m starting to feel like his unhappiness is slowly erasing me.”

“I’ve got to fix his unhappiness soon, or his feelings will break up our family.”

If you relate to that, then you’re not failing — you’re just a wife who is doing the very best she can with what she’s got.

Feeling Relationship Burnout Doesn’t Mean You Don’t Love Your Spouse: The thing about emotional burnout is that it doesn’t mean you don’t love your spouse. It often means you’ve loved him so hard, for so long, without enough coming back, that you’ve emptied yourself.

And eventually, you start to feel resentful — not because you’re a bad partner, but because it feels like you’ve been carrying the marriage on your back while he drifts further away. That resentment can turn into numbness.
And that numbness? It’s your mind and heart trying to protect you. So where do you go from here?

Addressing His Happiness Is The Most Efficient Way Around This: The first step is acknowledging that you’re burnt out. Because if you do this, you will want to take some action. The next step is acknowledging that your husband’s unhappiness has played a real part in that. This isn’t about blame. It’s about truth. Emotional burnout doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It’s usually the result of one partner feeling like they’ve had to do the emotional heavy lifting for too long.

However, if he weren’t so unhappy, you wouldn’t need to tiptoe and clean up after him so much. And that’s your answer. You SHOULDN’T continue to emotionally clean up after him. You should address the real problem and the real elephant in the room – his unhappiness. And that happens in many ways – counseling, difficult conversations between you, truly listening to what is burdening him, and bringing lighthearted happiness back into your home again.

If you successfully address his unhappiness so that he returns to a place of contentment, you don’t have to pretend you’re okay anymore. You don’t have to fake closeness that you don’t feel. And you don’t have to keep taking responsibility for his emotional state at the expense of your own.

You Don’t Have To Be Perfect, But Start: This may feel overwhelming, but it’s not if you take baby steps. Start by trying to make things more lighthearted between you – a walk after dinner, listening to him about work and his stressors, or a board game. Just spend some fun time together. You will dig into the tough things later, but you want to build a foundation where he feels safe confiding in you.

Whatever you do, don’t accept this as the norm. You both deserve more happiness than this. Not just him, but you too. And if you can fix his happiness level. You no longer have to carry the load alone or worry that he will leave.

My husband was very unhappy with me long before he left. I didn’t take my own advice, and we eventually separated. So I had to do this progress backward. I eventually succeeded, but my life would have been easier had I been proactive. You can read about how I got my husband back at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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