Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: If you’re separated from your spouse, you’re likely well aware that you may not be able to fully and confidently reconcile until you restore the intimacy and comfort level between you. But this can be a tall order when you aren’t living together and when things feel a little awkward and delicate between you. This article is meant to offer some easily-achievable ways to reconnect.

Determine Your Goals And Pick The Most Appropriate Approach: I know that you may think that you need to do psychologist-recommended, formal couples exercises to truly reconnect. I’ve read about very intense exercises like soul gazing, but, and I can only speak for myself, I don’t think this would have worked for me because it would have been too much too soon. 

Still, I’d never discourage you from pursuing whatever you believe will work. If your spouse is receptive, you’ll have many options. However, I’m not a formal professional, so this article is going to focus on super easy, casual activities meant to bring you closer together in a way that doesn’t feel awkward or too far-reaching.  

I’m hoping that these suggestions are accessible to many couples because I’ve found that there’s definitely a subset of couples who are better off keeping this process a bit more casual at first. Why? Because often the spouse who initiated the separation or who has asked for space is still dragging his feet a bit, so it may be difficult to get him to commit to very involved exercises. He may balk, or worse, take a step back.

That’s why, for some, it can make sense to keep these activities very light. You don’t necessarily need to call them exercises or announce that this is what you’re doing. Just incorporate this into your encounters as you are able.

Never try to force this on a reluctant spouse. If you feel resistance, it’s better to wait and try again in a little while.

Work Out (Or Just Move Your Bodies) Together: I do not love working out, but I feel so much better mentally, emotionally, and physically when I do it. There can be a vulnerability to it that is useful in this scenario as well. Not everyone is going to want to start a new exercise program. Some couples will have success (and be perfectly happy with) just taking a walk together. 

Some may start new fitness programs or even join a gym so that they know at least they’ll see one another at a set time each week. The beauty of it is that you’re together and you’re vulnerable in a very low-pressure way. You don’t need to spill your deepest darkest secrets. You’re just spending time together in physical and constructive ways.

My husband and I found new workout options online during the pandemic and we’re doing new workouts we never would have imagined out of necessity, but we’re laughing at ourselves and each other as we step very far out of our comfort zones.

I know a couple who play wrestles. Whatever works.

Share Pop Culture You Find Meaningful: Some couples find a show to binge and talk about together. Others jointly read a book series or discuss their latest podcast obsessions. This at least gets you talking, but you can even take it a step further if you like by asking, “Why this one? Why does this speak to you?” 

This gives you something that you can regularly share, and there is always going to be something new to talk about. If you see, read, or hear something that you know your spouse would like, clip or save it, and talk about it together later.  Accept whatever quirks or weirdness comes up.  This can actually be a process of discovery.

Pursue A Hobby That Is New To Both Of You: I hope that by now you’re seeing a pattern. We’re looking for activities that allow for regular joint collaboration, vulnerability, learning something new, and stepping outside of your comfort zone together. New hobbies check all of the boxes. The only consideration is that you shouldn’t pick something with which you’re already familiar. You want to learn something new together. And you both need to agree to the hobby and be somewhat enthusiastic about it. 

Travel Together To Carefully-Chosen Destinations (Short And Inexpensive:) I am not about to suggest that you take an elaborate and expensive trip. Doing so just puts unnecessary pressure on the whole situation. I’m not even talking about sharing a hotel room if you’re not at that place yet. I’m talking about day trips where you can learn something new or share an experience together. This could be as simple as visiting a new restaurant, park, or carefully-researched destination.

I love finding historical places or nature experiences that we can visit on a tankful of gas. You can leave in the early morning and come home in the evening. It gives you a full day of being together in a conducive, upbeat environment. 

Experience Art Together: I believe there is something magical about shared aesthetic experiences. This can be as easy as attending a concert, art exhibit, museum, or play. You can even get dressed up and have a nice dinner afterward. Again, these type of shared experiences usually brings forth vulnerability and strong emotions – that come from the art, not from you.  It gives you the outlet without you’re having to put yourself out there.  And when you share vulnerability and strong emotions, it can forge intimacy and connection. 

I hope you’ve noticed that these suggestions aren’t expensive. Or elaborate. They don’t require tons of planning or effort. They are merely ways to spend some fun, productive time together in ways that encourage you to work together and connect.

You’re not pushing anything, but you’re just gently nudging a very easy, and familiar, connection to knit itself back together. This shouldn’t feel awkward or forced. It should feel fun. When you hit on something that works, keep going. Make it a habit or regular date if you can and then build, build, and build some more until you are reconnecting on a regular basis.

I don’t mean to imply that any reconciliation is effortless. It certainly isn’t all of the time.  I had some disastrous attempts, and almost split up.  But I never stopped trying, not really.  And that made all the difference.  More here: https://isavedmymarriage.com

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