Leslie Cane Articles

Many people try very hard to be optimistic about their marital or trial separation. After all, many of us have no choice in it. We have a spouse who is adamant that he wants to try a separation. So it becomes clear that our choice is to separate or divorce. Given this choice, separating seems to be the lesser of two evils. Few of us are excited about separating, but we try to have a good attitude and hope that it will be over quickly.

Unfortunately, some of the negative outcomes that we feared may actually happen. Sometimes, you look at your life and your marriage and you must admit that everything has now changed. Below, I will go over some of these changes and suggest ways that you might deal with them.

Friends And Loved-Ones Will Take Sides: It can be smart to keep your separation private. If not, you may quickly find that everyone has an opinion on your marriage and very few people keep their thoughts to themselves. People who normally respect your privacy may suddenly give you unsolicited advice. People who you thought liked your husband are now admitting to a long-time suspicion of him.

Obviously, the best way to avoid this is to think long and hard about who you confide in. However, if you’ve already confided in someone and now regret it, you may have to respectfully ask that discussions about the separation are taken off of the table for a while. You might try, “I hope you understand, but talking about this is painful. Can we talk about something else?”

There May Be More Guilt Than You Thought: Even when the separation wasn’t your idea, you can feel very guilty about the fallout from it, especially if you have children. No matter how carefully you may try to explain that none of this is their fault or how much access you allow to both parents, things may still feel off to your children. This may still be a very difficult time for them. Even though you likely know in your heart that none of this is intentional, your heart will still hurt for your kids. And for you.  There can be a great deal of guilt even when you don’t have kids.

This is normal, but you can try to offset this by encouraging them (or you) to talk to you or a counselor about their fears and concerns. Then, offer them tons of reassurance, affection, and attention. Kids’ biggest fear during this time is often losing a close relationship with their parents and the stability of a loving home. Show them with your actions (and tell them with your words) that you will not allow this to happen.

And the same goes for yourself. Get counseling if you need it and assure yourself that no matter what happens, you will still make love a priority.

Fear Will Rear It’s Ugly Head: No matter how much you vow to stay positive and to look on the bright side, it is very easy to start becoming paranoid that you will soon end up divorced and alone. You start to picture yourself as one of those older people who live alone, with only a bunch of cats for company. You picture your husband moving on with a younger, fitter, and more bubbly version of yourself while you grow old all alone.

I think that every separated person feels this way at some point. It’s very important not to isolate yourself. Surround yourself with friends and family members who can reassure you that, no matter what happens with your marriage, you are not going to be alone. Many couples reconcile and do not divorce. But even if you do, nothing says that you won’t one day won’t find a new and happy relationship.

It’s easy to assume the worst. Work hard to veer yourself off of that destructive path.

You May Relate To One Another Differently Because Of Suspicions, Misunderstandings, Or Fear: Even if you and your spouse have always treated each other with respect, you may both have a tendency to lash out right now. When you don’t always know what the other person is doing, it’s easy to assume the worst. Also, if your communication is not regular and clear, it’s easy to have misunderstandings that cause anger and resentment. As a result, you may begin to tell yourself stories. You may suddenly assume that you are incompatible or that you have fallen out of love. Most of the time, these fears and assumptions are untrue, but you are not able to see that at the time and there is a danger that this thought process will deteriorate your marriage even further.

The best way to avoid this is to cling to open communication with everything that you have. If there is something that you are wondering or worrying about, it is better to ask than to sit there and stew or assume the worst. When you feel things beginning to deteriorate, reach out to your spouse and attempt to clear the air. You want to be an ally to your spouse, not an adversary.

Being On Your Own Feels Weird, And Not Always In A Good Way: One of the wonderful things about being married is that there is always someone to eat with, to watch TV with, to sleep with, and to just be with. When you are separated, there is suddenly a huge void. Yes, you can go out with friends and spend time with other people. But it is not the same because you simply don’t have the same sort of intimacy with someone else.

This void can feel scary, but the way around it is to keep reassuring yourself that it doesn’t have to be permanent. Use this as motivation to attempt to maintain a good relationship with your spouse and to work on whatever issues separate you.

No matter how much you try to prepare yourself and your family for the separation, there may well be some negative surprises. There are most certainly going to be some changes. Try not to panic. With work and patience, most of these changes will prove to be only temporary. I experienced some variation on almost all of the above.  And I am still married today. My fears did not come true because I found a way to reconcile with my husband.  You can read the whole story here: http://isavedmymarriage.com

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