During A Separation, What Makes Your Marriage Savable?
By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who worry that saving their marriage in the midst of a martial separation is going to be nearly impossible. If it were up to the wives themselves, a reconciliation would happen tomorrow. But the wives are dealing with reluctant husbands who just do not seem drawn back to the marriage in any way. Because of this, the wife wonders just what type of miracle it is going to take to save her marriage. She might say: “I am at a loss as to how I am going to turn things around in regards to my marriage. I know that many couples stick it out because they have kids. I wish we had children, but we do not. I also know that many couples stick together because they have a strong sense of commitment. Well, I have this. But my husband does not. At the first sign of trouble, he left me and pursued a separation. I have tried many different things to make him come back, but so far I have not had any luck. I look at many of my friends who reconciled and I’m discouraged because I don’t have the things that made their marriage savable. I don’t have kids. Or a husband who is desperate to get back together with me. What makes a marriage savable during a separation when there aren’t kids or people who are super committed?”
I understand why you feel that your situation is a challenge, but I’d like to offer you a little bit of encouragement. I most definitely did not have a husband who was desperate to get back together with me, either. Nor did I have a houseful of kids. In fact, I had a husband who would barely speak to me. Or acknowledge me. And who was pretty much avoiding me. And yet, I eventually was able to reconcile with him. Why? Perhaps because of a huge amount of stubbornness on my part. Perhaps because of dumb luck. Or because of a plan that finally worked. Below, I’ll list some things that are helpful in saving a marriage during a separation. However, I’d preface this with saying that I’ve seen marriages saved when none of these were initially present. Things do change. People can start off hating one another and then change their minds during the course of the separation.
One Person Who Doesn’t Give Up: As I alluded to, I don’t think that you always need two people who are equally on board to save the marriage. My husband was not interested at all initially. I had to pretty much just hold on all by myself. It was extremely lonely and disheartening at times. But if I had given up, where would be today? That said, some people initially aren’t interested in their marriage, but change their minds later. Eventually, you need for one person to maintain an interest so that both people don’t give up.
The Right Attitude At The Right Time: I have come to accept that if I had continued to pressure my husband and if I had acted as desperate as I did in the beginning, we likely never would have reconciled. At the same time, if I had been very laid back at the beginning of my separation, this may not have worked, either. I had to observe my husband’s reactions and behaviors in order to determine what was working for me and what wasn’t. This took a little while. Once I was able to see a pattern, I was able to come up with a plan and formulate behaviors that were most likely to get the desired reaction out of my husband. I know that this might sound entirely too strategic when you’re talking about your marriage. Unfortunately, in my experience, there is sometimes strategy involved. That is just the unfortunate truth. Of course, you want to be as honest and as forthcoming as you can. But you also have to act in the way most likely to save your marriage. And frankly, if I had acted 100 percent honest all of the time, I would have come off as very desperate. I had to dial it back for the sake of my marriage.
A Willingness To Do Something New: No matter how willing you are to save your marriage, you have to face that you separated for a reason. You are going to have to be willing to fix whatever was broken in order to ensure that your reconciliation lasts and that your marriage endures. It’s so tempting to skip this step because your marriage can feel quite vulnerable. (And I agree that you shouldn’t rush this step. You shouldn’t pick your marriage apart when you’ve only recently saved it.) But you do need to always be on the look out for ways that you can improve things and for ways to keep your marriage from faltering again. Because you don’t want to have to ever deal with another separation. You want to save your marriage ONCE and never again.
Learning the right combination of behaviors was not easy. And there was definitely a time when I thought my marriage was never going to be savable. But luckily, I’m very stubborn. You can read more about how I managed a reconciliation (when all seemed lost) on my blog at at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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