Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are living alone because their husband has left and moved out. They often very much want for their husbands to move back home eventually, but they don’t know how realistic this is going to be. Often, he has shown considerable resistance to any attempt to lure him back. As a result, the wife can begin to wonder if she is just setting herself up for disappointment by hoping that he will one day return.

A comment that would demonstrate this is something like: “my husband left me and moved out about eight months ago. It feels like forever instead of eight months. But in many ways, it feels like yesterday because nothing has really changed. There are times when I feel like we haven’t made any real progress. My husband avoids me as much as he possibly can. Sometimes, he apparently gets lonely and then for a little while, he will be nice to me again but then he will eventually pull away and the cycle starts all over again. Some of my friends tell me that I am a fool if I do not begin moving forward with my life. They ask me why I can’t see that my husband isn’t ever coming back. I know that this possibility exists, but I can’t help but wonder if he is never coming back, then why not just go ahead and divorce me? He hasn’t made any attempt to do that. I’m wondering if husbands ever come back once they have moved out. And if so, how many?”

Well, I can tell you that husbands do come back. My own did. And many wives comment on my blog that their husbands came back also. I don’t want to give you the impression that it always happens. But, it’s not rare either. I don’t have any official statistics about husbands who have moved out and later returned. But it’s not uncommon for people to tell me that were able to reconcile even after their husband had been gone and moved out for a while. And, there are plenty of people who admit that they haven’t yet been able to get their spouses back. Granted, there are some husbands who are determined to never come back and who, despite what you do or say, are very resistant. But there are others who eventually come around. So what separates the husband who stay gone and those that come back? I’ll mention some of the variables that I often see in the following article.

A Man Is More Likely To Come Back If He Believes That He Is Not Coming Back To The Same Problems: I can probably save you a lot of time and aggravation by telling you that often, begging him to come home without making real and lasting changes isn’t likely to work. Many of us (myself included) believe that if we keep talking and we keep telling him why he should come back because we are so lost without him, he will eventually “give in” and make his way home. But what we don’t count on at the time is that even if he does come back, he will do so begrudgingly. And, if he comes back and nothing has changed, what is to keep him from leaving again when things fall apart once more?

As much as you want him to come home, there’s a better way. The best way to get him to come home is to show him (rather than continuing to tell him) that things can and will change. And, depending on what your issues are, you might need some help making that change. But, doing so is worth the effort because it is (at least in my experience and opinion) the most effective way to make him feel that it is going to be to his benefit to come home.

Another variable that matters is if you can recreate or restore the intimacy between you. No one wants to come home and worry that it is going to be awkward or that things are going to feel forced. But, if he knows that he can easily walk into a comfortable and nurturing situation, he is most much likely to very willingly want to come home. This can take time and it can’t be forced. It can also be a good idea to ease him into the idea of coming home.

You start very small with just seeing one another regularly without any talk of him coming home and without any pressure. When that goes well, you begin going out and having fun. Once that is moving along nicely, you might have him begin to stay weekends. By moving gradually in this way, you’re allowing for things to unravel at a very realistic pace which takes much of the pressure off. And this gives you both more confidence that things are going to go well once he does move back home.

But to answer the original question, yes, men do move back home all of the time. It’s not even all that rare. The key is to inspire him to want to come home rather than the goal being just to wear him down so that he reluctantly comes home before he’s really ready to do so.

There was a time when I too thought that my husband would never come home.  But he did.  I was lucky because I had a plan that worked.  I realize that not all men come home, but I believe that many do. If it helps, you can read more about how I was able to navigate our separation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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