Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When your husband starts talking about a divorce, it can be hard to take him seriously – especially at first. Often, we want to believe that his unhappiness or discontent is not that serious or is just a passing thing. Then, we want to believe that although he may be gravely unhappy, we do have the ability to fix our marriage so that everyone is eventually happy again.

But as time goes by, we begin to fear that perhaps he is really serious about this. And yet, it can still be very hard to believe this immediate reality. This man has his emotional and financial future tied to yours. You may have children together. So, could he really be serious about throwing that all away?

This can become even more complicated when something happens that might bring his sincerity or seriousness into question. Perhaps he slips and talks about the future with you in it. Or one of your mutual friends comments that he will never actually go through with a divorce. Perhaps he’s made threats about ending your marriage before in an attempt to scare you.

Someone might articulate this in this type of scenario: “my husband told me about five weeks ago that he wanted a divorce. I admit that I did not panic right then. He’s been talking about being unhappy for quite a while. So I thought that maybe he was dwelling on our issues again or just trying to get a rise out of me. But then a couple of days later, I saw an attorney’s card on the kitchen table. So he had obviously been to talk to someone to get legal advice. But weeks went by without me being served or anything. Recently, I ran into one of my husband’s co-workers and I mentioned the divorce thing to him. This guy knows my husband pretty well and he told me that he thinks that my husband is probably just trying to get my attention or scare me. I hope that this is the case. And as best as I can tell, he’s not yet filed any paperwork. So is it possible that he truly doesn’t want a divorce after all?”

Anything is possible.  Even men who are sure that they want a divorce sometimes change their minds. And husbands who initially say that they aren’t going anywhere (despite their unhappiness) eventually get fed up and pursue a divorce. Although there are certainly signs that you can look for that indicate a man wants a divorce, the only way to know for sure is when a divorce is final. I’ve seen people file who never finalized the divorce.  So anything is possible.

The More Resources Someone Puts Into A Divorce, The More Likely It Is To Happen: It’s my observation that, very generally speaking, the more time, effort, and money a man spends pursuing a divorce, the more likely it is to go through. That’s not to say that men who drag their feet don’t change their minds or men who pour tons of money into an attorney don’t eventually close their cases.

But, for the most part, a man who throws down his money and time is certainly pretty serious at the time. A man who makes threats but doesn’t act can seem not quite as serious, but I would caution you that even men who are trying to scare you or get your attention can certainly eventually pursue a divorce when their patience runs out or when they think that you are never going to make any changes.

I wish I could give you some definite “telltale signs” that a man definitely and really / truly wants a divorce. But people change their minds all of the time. Divorce is a huge step. People drag their feet or slow it down because many hope for some change in the meantime. But plenty of people with a slow pace end up divorced.

Any Mention Of A Divorce Is A Potentially Serious Sign: I want you to realize something very important. Any time a husband mentions the “D-word,” he is serious. At the very least, he is serious about getting your attention even if he is not completely sure that he wants a divorce. And sometimes, if he doesn’t get your attention or he doesn’t see any attempt at change, he will reluctantly and begrudgingly pursue a divorce.

People who truly don’t want a divorce do end up divorced all of the time because they don’t want to be unhappy or in conflict anymore and they don’t see any change on the horizon.

Controlling What You Can: I don’t mean to be a pessimist or to scare you. But I am trying to get your attention also. Because the one thing that you are able to control right now is that you do have the ability to show your husband an attempt at change.

It’s true that you can’t control what he thinks or what he does. But you can show him that you are paying attention and that you are willing to make some changes. I know that this doesn’t completely answer the question, but there’s no real way to know how serious he is until he files and continues to pursue the divorce without hesitation. Since this isn’t what you want, doesn’t it make sense to try to derail this if you can – regardless of how serious he is or isn’t right at this moment?

I say this because I ignored my husband’s unhappiness and sincerity – only to almost end up divorced.  It was through sheer will and effort that I was able to save my marriage – but not without a lot of heartache first.  If you can avoid this by paying attention and igniting change, it certainly makes sense to do so.   If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin