Leslie Cane Articles

I’ve spoken with wives whose husbands are either pressing for a separation or have already left the home to begin one. Many times, the wife is opposed to the idea and never wanted the separation in the first place. She often sees it as the first step toward divorce or the end of her marriage. I recently heard from someone who asked me, “Does a separation always end in divorce? Is there anything I can do to make sure that mine doesn’t?”

The answer to these questions depends on the situation, but no, separations most certainly do not always end in divorce. In fact, I hear from many people who have been able to turn things around and save their marriage, even after the separation has gone on for a while. In the following article, I’ll discuss some of the factors I believe contribute to couples either staying together after a separation or ending up divorced.

Things That Contribute to a Separation Ending in Divorce: I occasionally hear from people who, despite the efforts they made during their separation, ended up divorcing anyway. Although I rarely know the people or their circumstances personally, I can usually see some common themes that run through these separations and eventual divorces.

Usually, one or both spouses feel that no meaningful or lasting change has taken place. So, one or both of them decide it doesn’t make sense to keep living in limbo. They conclude it’s better to just go ahead and divorce. Sometimes, people tell me they hoped the time and distance would make them appreciate or want their spouse more — but this doesn’t always happen, especially if the spouse in question didn’t allow for that time to play out.

Other times, the couple hasn’t set firm boundaries or reached clear understandings during the separation. As a result, one or both partners begin seeing other people, which can make it hard for the marriage to stand a fair chance — because it no longer has both people’s full attention or effort. Another common scenario is that one spouse becomes so fearful and panicked that they start focusing on negative emotions. This can cause them to act out in ways that push their partner further away, sometimes even making the other spouse feel relieved to be apart.

Things That Contribute to a Separation Not Ending in Divorce: On the other hand, separated couples who do work things out tend to approach the situation a little differently. One or both of them are often able to take a step back and focus on the positive — keeping things lighter rather than emotionally heavy. They try to avoid falling into negative behaviors that stem from fear and uncertainty. I’m not saying any of this is easy. But couples who manage to do this often find that the time and distance actually help, rather than harm, their relationship.

Additionally, couples who are able to transition from a separation to saving their marriage often follow a workable plan or seek out guidance, which helps them put their situation — and their relationship — in better shape than it was before. This progress gives them the motivation to keep going and to resist the idea of divorce.

Typically, these couples sit down and agree on certain guidelines or boundaries, so that both people know what to expect. This way, they’re not just stumbling through an unfamiliar process. They might agree to check in weekly or to avoid seeing other people while they’re apart. Whatever boundaries they set, it helps if both partners honor and respect them.

To put it simply, separated couples who avoid divorce usually experience some kind of improvement that makes them want to keep trying. That improvement gives them hope — and makes them believe divorce would be a mistake.

What You Can Do If You’re Separated and Don’t Want It to End in Divorce: People often ask me what they can do to help ensure that their separation doesn’t ultimately lead to divorce. First, it helps to accept from the beginning that you can’t control what your spouse is thinking or feeling. Many people try to shame, guilt, or pressure their spouse into changing their mind — when what’s actually needed is time. Time does more of the heavy lifting than many people realize.

With that said, you can set the stage to make improvement more likely. This is where you may have more control than you think. You can keep the tone positive and focus on moving forward. That means trying — without being pushy — to reach some basic understandings and boundaries. Leaving everything vague or saying you’ll “wait and see” (when neither of you really knows what that means) can open the door to misunderstandings, frustration, and resentment.

As much as possible, you want to create an environment and dynamic that supports growth and healing. Sometimes this means not clinging so tightly that your spouse feels the need to pull further away. When your partner sees you as a source of pressure or emotional volatility, it can backfire and make reconciliation harder.

I wish I had known these things in my own marriage. Our trial separation went badly — until I realized that my actions were pushing my husband further away. Fortunately, I was able to change course and save our marriage. You can read a very personal story about how I did that on my blog at: http://isavedmymarriage.com