Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: By the time that some wives contact me, they have already been told by their determined husbands that they are no longer loved. Some of these wives get up their courage to attempt to show their husband the flaws of this thinking or to do something to change his mind. They are often met with a determined statement by the husband that he is never going to change his mind no matter what the wife says or does.

I might hear a wife put it this way. “About six months ago, I began to notice that my husband was acting weird. My husband is known as a very happy go lucky, laid back person. It takes a lot to upset my husband. He has always been very good about remaining happy even when things weren’t going so well in his life. He is the type of person who always looks on the bright side. So that is why it surprised me that he seemed to change when there were issues with his job. I’ve never seen my husband act depressed before, but he definitely had negative changes to his behavior. He was distant, sullen, and moody. I tried to just be supportive and hope that it passed, but it didn’t. One day, my husband told me that he needed some space. I thought that he meant that he just wanted me to keep my distance at home. Come to find out, what he meant was that he wanted one of us to move out for a little while. I told him that what he was proposing was a crazy idea. I told him that he was just having a little stress at work and that he was overreacting. His answer to me was that he was not overreacting. Then he said: ‘I didn’t want to say anything about this because I didn’t want to hurt you. But I don’t love you anymore.’ Again, I chalked this up to the stress at work. I just didn’t react at all and I haven’t moved out. I have tried to be nice and supportive to my husband. Last night he said: ‘listen, I know what you are doing. You are being nice to me because you think that I am going to change my mind about loving you. But I’m not. There is nothing that you can do to change my mind.’ I am just stunned by this. I have friends who were separated and whose husbands eventually asked to reconcile because they realized that they loved their wives after all. These husbands definitely changed their minds. Is it completely out of the question that my husband might also?”

Why I Think He Can Possibly Change His Mind If You Approach Him In A Unique Ways: I think that it is absolutely possible. In fact, my own husband changed his mind during our separation. But, from that process, I learned something very important. When your husband has straight up told you that he is not going to change his mind, any plan to get him to do just that has to come from a place where he’s not looking.

What I mean by that is that your husband very likely has his guard up as far as you are concerned. He knows that you are going to make various  attempts to make him feel love for you. Since he doesn’t intend to change his mind and has told you as much, it’s possible that he’s going to do his very best to not be receptive to anything that you do. It’s possible that he’s going to do his best to make sure that he is proven right while you are proven wrong.

I know that this might seem very discouraging, but it doesn’t mean that your plan is impossible. It just means that you will likely have to come at it in a different way and in a way that he is not expecting.

A Different Approach: What worked for me (although it took me way too long to get a clue about this) was to make it look as if I had surrendered to the process. I conceded that I wasn’t going to be able to change his mind, so I wasn’t even going to waste everyone’s time by trying. I conceded that perhaps I would like having some time to myself also. I went out of town and reconnected with friends. I admitted that I wanted to maintain a positive relationship because I didn’t want to completely sever all ties as that was just silly. I said it was my goal to maintain a good relationship, even if that relationship changed.

All of these things were meant to encourage my husband to let his guard down so that he would be more receptive to me. Now, here is something that is very important to understand. This all can’t be just an act. You truly do need to focus on yourself. You truly do need to take the extra time and spend it on yourself.

Yes, of course your want your husband back. But what you are saying and doing must come from a genuine place or he is going to be able to see right through it. I don’t think it’s any coincidence that by the time I accidentally began my own process, I had decided to take a step back. I don’t think that I would have been able to pull it off if I hadn’t. But of course, at that time, I did not understand then what I understand now.

What I am saying is that you might consider backing away in order to gain some ground. I know it seems backward at first glance, but I have seen it work many times.

I believe that I was able to change my husband’s mind about loving me by giving him the space he wanted and by acting like the lovable woman that he first fell in love with.  I let go of the score keeping.  I let go of the desperation. And I just placed my focus on the two people involved without all of the external factors.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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