Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many people who are dealing with a trial or marital separation find themselves on the receiving end of either kind or unkind words from their spouse. Often, they aren’t sure if these words are genuine or are just a result of frustration stemming from the separation. When you want to save your marriage, the answer to this question can be very important.

Someone might say, “my husband and I have been separated for about two months. This was all his choice. During the course of our separation, he has said conflicting things to me. So I wonder if I can trust his words. For example, last week he told me that he will always love me in some way or another. But then the week before that, he admitted that he regrets marrying me and said he doesn’t know if we are compatible. At times, he seems to do a complete about-face about how he feels about me and the marriage. Once, during our separation, he told me that he was not sure that we would be friends if we weren’t married. But later he said that I was one of the best people he knew. I am wondering how much stock I should take in these statements. Do men say things that they don’t mean during a marital separation?”

Yes, definitely. And it’s not just men who say things that they don’t mean. Women are guilty of this also. When I was separated, I called my husband a selfish, narcissistic jerk. In reality, he is one of the most selfless people I know. However, a separation can be emotionally excruciating and incredibly frustrating. You can swing from feelings of desperation to feelings of vulnerability and then back to feelings of hope – which can cause you to cling to your spouse or to lash out at him. To that end, let’s take a closer look as to why you might be getting such dramatic verbal swings from your husband.

The Changing Thought Process (And Words) Of A Separated Husband: The very presence of a marital separation indicates his confusion about your marriage (and about his willingness to stay in it.) Therefore, from the very get-go, he is grappling with shifting feelings. Then, once he has moved out or spent significant amounts of time away from you, he might be surprised to find that he is more lonely than he anticipated, and as a result, that he desperately misses you.

This might be when you start to hear him say flattering things toward you and the marriage. And, at the time, he may well mean them. He’s not necessarily lying. However, a couple of days or weeks later, he may contradict himself by saying less than flattering things. Why? Because he resents feeling lonely or vulnerable. Or he simply has swinging and changing emotions – which is normal when you are in a stressful situation like a separation. He may be completely sincere and telling you what he knows to be true in both instances. However, the trying circumstances are contributing to his words as much as his feelings are.

Should You Call Him Out On His Changing Statements?: I know that it is very tempting to ask him to clarify his contradictions. However, as you may have already discovered, doing so will often cause him to be defensive. And worse, he may not confide in you when he experiences these feelings. When you want to save your marriage, it’s very important that he feels that he can open up with you.

At times, I did challenge my husband on his ever-changing claims. But this was the wrong call because he just retreated from me and then completely shut down. Eventually, I learned to just accept that sometimes both of us were going to say and do things that we didn’t mean. Sometimes, the things we said were good. And other times, they were bad. But they were often a reflection of a volatile time in our marriage.

I learned to not take his words to heart. Of course, this meant that when he said loving things, I had to stop myself from assuming that we would reconcile. And when he said mean things, I had to stop myself from assuming that we would divorce. To survive your separation, you have to learn to roll with the punches. To save your marriage, you have to be very determined to look past the negativity and envision a positive future.

The good news is that as things calmed down with our separation, we both stopped saying what we didn’t mean. As things stabilized between us, we were no longer dealing with such wildly fluctuating emotions and therefore, the verbal inconsistencies stopped.

Hopefully, your husband will soon take more care with his words. But if not, try asking yourself whether you’ve uttered careless phrases at some point during this separation. Chances are, you have. It’s totally normal and it is often not malicious or even insincere. It’s just a product of being in the stressful situation of a marital separation, which can be challenging for most of us.

If it helps, you can read about how I saved my marriages despite these challenges, here: http://isavedmymarriage.com

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