Do Husbands Who Leave In Search Of Happiness Ever Come Home?
By: Leslie Cane: Many of the people who I hear from reach out because they are dealing with a spouse who has left them. There are various reasons for this. Sometimes, there is definable problems within the marriage that most definitely need to be worked through. But other times, spouses leave for more vague reasons – which can make things particularly frustrating and difficult. One such example is a spouse who leaves because he “just isn’t happy.”
The spouse who has been left might say: “my husband started whining about how unhappy he was about nine months before he actually left. So I knew that he was likely to leave me in search of his elusive happiness. The thing is, it takes an awful lot to make this man happy. I’m starting to think that he is just the type of person who is determined to find the fault in everything. Plus, I am not sure how I’m supposed to make him happier when I am not even living with him and I can’t possibly see him everyday. We did meet for coffee last week and I do have to admit that he seemed a little bit more upbeat than the last time I saw him. I made a comment off the cuff about being divorced this time next year and he asked why I would assume that. I told him that I didn’t know any couples who reconciled after one of them left out of unhappiness. My husband said we know very few separated couples anyway and that I was making a silly generalization. I’m not sure why he leads me on in this way. He clearly wouldn’t come back to me until he is happy. And, as best as I can tell, someone’s happiness is not something that the other spouse can fix. I mean, if I were a nasty, critical wife and this was making my husband crazy, then that is something I could fix. But I can not fix that he’s generally an unhappy person. I guess my real question is do spouses who leave for vague reasons like not being happy ever come back? Because I honestly just can’t envision my husband proclaiming that he’s suddenly happy when there’s nothing I can do to address the problem anyway.”
I know how frustrating this must be for you. You feel like you’re trying to address something that you can’t even really see, much less fix. But it might help you to hear that I’ve heard from couples who reconciled after one spouse left due to general unhappiness or from a general sense that their life could be better. And, my own husband came back and we’re still married today when at least one the reasons he left was vague unhappiness.
Just from my own observations, here are some common reasons why couples end up reconciling when one of them leaves due to unhappiness.
The Unhappy Spouse Gets Counseling Or Seeks Another Type Of Help: If your spouse is unhappy for reasons that have very little to do with your marriage (which certainly isn’t out of the question) then as you already know its very difficult for you to change things. But someone who is qualified and skilled with dealing with this can most definitely change things. Seeing a specialist who can get to the heart of the problem and offer a real change in outlook can be life changing. And once these spouses start experiencing real happiness again, they are often much more receptive to their marriage. This change doesn’t always come about through formal counseling. Sometimes, the unhappy spouse choses to go the self help route or confides in a priest or other qualified third party.
The Unhappy Spouse Sees That Living Alone Didn’t Increase Their Happiness Level: Sometimes, people project many of their problems onto their marriages. The core issue of your spouse’s unhappiness may actually be stress, his job, or undiagnosed depression. But he assumes that it is you or the marriage because those things are easy targets. Fortunately though, sometimes he leaves those things only to find that he’s either no happier or he is actually more unhappy alone. And once he realizes this, then there’s really no reason to continue on with the separation.
“Unhappiness” Is Code For Legitimate Marital Problems That Get Addressed: Sometimes, people will tell you that they are unhappy when in reality, they are reacting to a problem that could actually be named. For example, a husband might tell you that he is just not happy when what he really means is that he feels lonely sometimes in his own marriage because neither of you are as attentive or perceptive as you could be.
So, what sometimes happens is that one or both of you will work on these things during the separation. And your spouse will notice the changes and come to believe that the issues are fixed or greatly improved. With the major problems out of the way, then it’s safe to came back home to a new and improved marriage.
This happened in my case. Before he left, my husband wasn’t shy about moping and showing his unhappiness. But this did nothing to clue me into the fact that he felt a bit abandoned by a spouse who had an enormous work load and who was struggling under the pressure (while taking it out on him.) I had to do a lot of research and asking of open ended questions before I could determine what the true problem was. Once I was able to address this, things improved. Because his lack of happiness wasn’t really the problem – but a very concrete issue in our marriage was.
I hope that this has helped some. It’s not impossible for an unhappy spouse to come home. It certainly happens quite a lot. But if there are any marital issues that you are aware of, it helps if you can address them during the separation. You can read more about my own separation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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