Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Oftentimes, I get emails from wives (but sometimes also from husbands or partners) who ask me if I can point out “divorce signs” or behaviors that would indicate that their spouse is thinking about or getting ready to begin or file a divorce.  While this list is going to be different for each couple (as each couple will have a different level of tolerance and commitment) some universal signs can signal the marriage is headed for real trouble.  I’ll tell you the top three things to look for in this article as well as offer you tips on how to address and fix these things.

Divorce Sign Number One: You Fight Constantly With No Real Resolution: Every marriage is going to have disagreements and squabbles, but some marriages get to a point where the two people in it are fighting just to fight, to release the considerable tension that has built in the marriage, or just to get attention where it has been seriously lacking.

Worse, when your marriage is really in trouble, often the arguments and fights never get resolved.  The issue keeps right on cropping up over and over again because you’re never really addressing and fixing the underlying issues.  And, typically each time you fight, the harsh negative feelings and the damage to your marriage continues to escalate until both parties begin to become conditioned to the fact that nothing ever really changes.

So, when the negative feelings start to crop up, both parties are thinking “Great – here we go again,” as both people retreat into themselves, build walls around themselves, and brace themselves for more of the same.  Nothing positive is happening or is the result.  This vicious cycle just keeps repeating itself until it’s completely destroyed your marriage.

Healthy marriages can withstand some fighting.  The difference, though, is that healthy marriages often use disagreements to come together, work out problems, and compromise.  If an issue is dealt with correctly, it never has to come up again, because both parties are satisfied with the resolution that they’ve come to with their partner.

Divorce Sign Number Two: Feelings Of Closeness And Intimacy Are Less Or On Their Way Out: Probably the biggest divorce signal that people notice themselves is that a distance starts to develop in the marriage.  They will notice less spontaneous affectionate gestures (hand-holding, hugs, brushing of arms, intimate glances, flirting, etc.) and this may be reflected in the bedroom.  The marriage can start to feel like a relationship between a brother or sister or a roommate rather than one between a husband or a wife.

And, you may start to notice that your husband or wife spends less time at home, works late more often, goes out with friends a bit more or, even if they are home, they’ve really checked out and are keeping to themselves or doing things that don’t include you.  One real tip-off for me was that, when my husband and I were first married, even if he had to run errands or quickly go to the store, he would always ask or assume that I was coming too.  When he started taking his trips to Home Depot alone, warning bells started to ring in my head. Unfortunately for me, I ignored them.  And we ended up separated.  I almost blew it but was able to regroup. That story is here.)

You’ll also notice this when you are together. An example is a scenario like this: Finally, you have a night out without the kids or work and you’re sitting across the table from one another and find that you have nothing to talk about.  You hear crickets. The atmosphere is awkward instead of intimate and easy.

Divorce Sign Number Three: Love, Affection, And Empathy Are Replaced With Annoyance, Negative Feelings, And (At The Very End) Indifference: Often when people whose marriages are in trouble ask for my advice, I ask them to make a list of the things that they love about their husband or wife. Often, they will pause and say something like “Wow, that’s tough for me right now, because every little that he/she does annoys me right now.”  I’ll often hear things like “it irks me just to look at him,” or “his little habits really annoy me.”

Often, what happens when your marriage is in real trouble is that the things that he used to find endearing will start to wear on you.  For example, maybe you used to love the fact that your husband was a laid back, go with the flow kind of guy, but right now, his inability to take action makes you crazy.

Believe it or not, I often tell people this is a good sign.  Why? Because you are still having strong feelings (even though they are negative right now) about your spouse.  If you didn’t care at all, you wouldn’t be reading this article.  I would worry more if you were indifferent.

What To Do If Any Of These Signs Applies To Your Marriage:  If you’ve seen yourself or your marriage in any of these scenarios, I want you to take action as soon as you can.  Just hoping everything will work out or letting these things run their course is the worst thing that you can do.  Neglect is a marriage killer. Don’t turn a blind eye to the warning signs that are right in front of you.

Instead, I want you to lay these cards right on the table.  I want you to go to your husband/wife, sit them down and tell them that you’ve noticed a distance brewing in your marriage and it hurts you because you love them and you value your marriage more than anything. Ask them how they are feeling and if they can offer you any guidance on what you can do to make things better.  They may be a little hesitant at first because they’re used to the same old destructive habits, but keep at it and over time they will see that you are sincere.

When Is It Too Late? What If You Are Sure The Divorce Is Going To Happen?: At this point, I often have people say “Gosh, if I had only talked to you a few months ago.  I’d love to try this, but it’s too late for me.  My husband and I can no longer even stand to be in the same room together,” or “my husband would never buy this,” etc.

I believe that these folks believe what they say, but I don’t buy it.  Because if you’ve taken the time to research how to make your marriage better and prevent it from ending, then you have to take the initiative to go in and save it.  Yes, it will take some work and time, and you may have to move slowly at first.  But, there was a time when the two of you loved each other very much and were very happy.  I know you want to get back there, or you wouldn’t still be reading.  So, gather yourself, and take some constructive action.  I promise you will be glad you did. Because if you keep going at the rate you are without trying positive changes,  you are going to get getting more of the same. And you both deserve better.

Unfortunately for me, I ignored a lot of these signs until it was almost too late. Luckily, over time I did change tactics and save my marriage. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/