Leslie Cane Articles

by: Leslie Cane: We live in a society where it is absolutely acceptable (and sometimes even encouraged) to get a divorce. Outside influences like our friends, lawyers, family members, and divorcing celebrities (who get more attention when they split up then when they marry) can all influence our opinions about ending our marriage.

The problem with this is that the only person who is going to be affected by your divorce is you, your spouse, and your children (if you have them.) The friends and the well-meaning folks who encouraged the divorce are likely not going to be standing with you when you pick up the pieces of your broken marriage.

Admittedly, there are some cases (mental and physical abuse) where divorce is a better option. But, in cases where couples have problems communicating, are fighting / misunderstanding one another regularly, or one partner has made a mistake that they are willing to rectify, then I believe, and it is my experience, that taking divorce off the table as an option can greatly help in saving the marriage.

Removing Divorce As A Threat Changes The Dynamics Of Working It Out: I’ve seen it happen so many times. One spouse mentions the words “divorce,” “splitting up,” or “taking a break,” and suddenly the rules of the game change dramatically. Instead of two people who are sincerely committed to the good of the marriage, what you get instead is usually tit for tat, where one partner does or says something hurtful and the other spouse retaliates with one better. In essence, the fighting spouses are trying to one-up each other. As you can imagine, this digs a deep, destructive hole that can be very hard to dig yourself out of.

Or, talks of divorce put one of the spouses in panic mode and this person acts in a desperate way that is not typical or him or her and says or does things that he or she regrets that unfortunately deteriorate the marriage even more.

Putting divorce on the table is akin to lighting a stick of dynamite. It’s not productive and can be potentially deadly to your marriage. It brings on negative emotions and actions that erode the marriage even more and it puts spouses on opposite sides. In short, it sets you up to fail.

Statistics Show That Couples Who Commit To Working It Out Can Be Happier Than Ever: A study which followed couples contemplating divorce indicated that, of those who stuck it out and committed to working on the marriage, over 80% claimed to be happy five years later. Unless these people are not telling the truth (which I highly doubt), it’s clear that, if a couple thinking about divorce can just stick it out, take the “d-word” off of the table, and then work out their problems, the odds are with you that better times are ahead.

I’ve found that once you communicate to one another that you won’t even consider divorce until all efforts are made to rescue your marriage, suddenly you’re both working toward the same goal. Once there is no longer an “out,” all of the static and excess “noise” is gone. Couples are then more likely to sit down to the drawing board and fix things. Once splitting up in not the primary choice, then there is only one to focus on: which is to get down to business and repair the relationship.

So, Once Divorce Is Off Of The Table, How Do You Solve The Marital Problems?: Once you both agreed to go with the “divorce is not an option” method of staying together, you’ll need to work out what was dividing you in the first place. However, in my experience, the way that most people try to do this is flawed.

Many people want to get in deep discussions about and rehash everything wrong in the marriage or every wrong that was ever committed in it. This can elicit very negative and painful feelings in an already volatile situation. While I agree that problems will need to be worked out so that they don’t return, I don’t believe that a couple on shaky ground should try this until positive feelings of affection and empathy have returned. If these feelings aren’t there, one or both partner’s hearts are just not going to be in it and there’s a chance that any commitments or changes are more just “giving in” and are not going to stick long term.

In my experience, it’s better to first focus on rediscovering the two people who first fell in love and trying to replicate the experiences that contributed to what you love (or loved) about your partner. Now, I know this may be awkward at first and I know that your circumstances today are different. You likely have a busy job or maybe kids and it’s harder to be that carefree, bubbly person that first captivated your spouse. However, even small efforts can make a great deal of difference.

Returning To Feelings Of Affection And Empathy Make The Process Much Easier: Do you remember your first fight before you were married? I’d be willing to bet, (if you can even remember it), the fight probably ended quickly without much fanfare. Why? Because people deeply in love don’t want to spend their time fighting. Instead, they’d move heaven and earth to make the one they love more than anything happy.

If you can return (even partially) to this place, saving your marriage will likely be quicker and easier. People who remember why they fell in love in the first place experience positive feelings, affection, and empathy. And, it’s very hard to unreceptive to or furious with someone with whom you’re experiencing positive feelings.

No matter how you’re feeling now, understand that research shows if you can hold off on the divorce, you can once again have a happy marriage in the future with a bit of hard work. Countless couples do. And, history is on your side. Your spouse has already fallen in love with you once. Now, you just need to achieve this again.

Unfortunately, I know this because I made many of the mistakes that I just cautioned against. You can read more about how I turned things around by changing strategies on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com