Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It’s just human nature to try to explain away or even negate bad news. When our worst fears are on the verge of coming true, some of us will try very hard to deny its existence. Take for example when your spouse starts talking or hinting about a separation. Some people will worry and not really do anything – hoping that it is just a false alarm. Others will take immediate action to try and save their marriages. And yet others will hope that their spouse is only trying to scare them.

A common concern would be something like: “last week, my husband told me that he was considering separating from me. I didn’t react to this immediately. Because I thought I knew what was going on. All throughout our relationship, our engagement, and even our marriage, my husband was always extremely insecure. He has always said that I do not make him feel completely loved. He says that he always feels that he is so lucky to be with me, but that I never tell him that I feel lucky to be with him. In truth, this annoys me a lot about my husband. I almost feel as if he’s an insecure toddler that needs constant reassurance and I’m just not the type of person to play these types of games. If I didn’t want to be with my husband, then I wouldn’t have married him. If I wasn’t happy now, then I wouldn’t stay. So the whole ‘I want to separate’ thing just feels very desperate to me. It sounds like a ploy to get me to fall all over myself and beg him not to leave me just so his insecurities will be addressed. I know that I should play along, but I don’t want to. Is it possible that he is just talking about a separation to scare me?”

Anything is possible. But I have to be honest. And I hope that you won’t take this the wrong way. It is my belief that any time that your spouse talks about being unhappy, or separating, or wanting to renegotiate your marriage, then it makes sense to pay careful attention. I tell you this from experience but also from drawing on the experiences of people who have reached out to me. When my own husband started expressing his unhappiness, I didn’t pay enough attention because I was going through a very busy and crazy time in other areas of my life. This turned out to be a huge mistake because my inability and unwillingness to listen and to actually do anything lead to a separation. This has been the case of many people who tell me their stories.

I wish that I had asked myself much would it really would have cost me to pay attention. Yes, I was busy. But this was my marriage that we were talking about. And once my husband moved out, I had to devote so much more time to getting him back than I would have needed to devote to paying attention in the first place. I hear this over and over again. It is so much easier to do and give a little when the problem first presents itself – than it is to try and clean up the mess later.

Here’s a dialog that you might consider to give you a better idea of what you are dealing with. You might consider saying something like: “I’m very sorry to hear you say that. Obviously, there must be something making you unhappy for you to take this very drastic step. Is there anything that would change your mind? Because separating is a very drastic step that not every marriage recovers from. I’d rather you stay and allow us to attempt to address whatever is bothering you. If we try our best and we’re still not successful, I could see reevaluating the situation then. But it seems very early in the game for one of us to leave. Will you share with me what might make you delay this?”

With any luck, he will spell out exactly what he needs to say. If it doesn’t seem fair to you, then that is when you attempt to negotiate so that every one is comfortable and enthusiastic. But think about it. Isn’t negotiating and trying to come up with a workable plan so much better than trying to get the train back on the rails once he moves out and it careens off the track? And just showing him a little more affection and appreciation is very doable. And that certainly beats facing life alone as a separated woman.

Of course, you have to ask yourself if your marriage is still important to you. I know that it gets old to hear the same old complaints. And this fatigue can sometimes cause you to do things that you might later regret. But, if you can address the complaint and erase it once and for all, that sure beats having to give up your marriage – especially when this problem is a relatively small one.

I hear from so many folks whose spouses have already left them. They would give nearly anything to be given this chance. And they would consider this a small price to pay for their spouse not to leave. Sometimes, it’s not until you are on this side of the fence looking in that you get this perspective. But being on this side of this fence is really no fun. And I would avoid it if I could.

I would encourage you to learn from my mistakes.  A separation is not any fun.  It makes sense to try to avoid it if you can.  If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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