Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I’m often contacted by wives who tell me that they are “desperate to save the marriage,” but also feel like they are running out of time and options. Often, by the time they contact me, they’ve already tried numerous tactics, made numerous promises, and initiated numerous changes that have somehow still left them where they are right now – struggling to hold on to their husbands and their marriages before a divorce actually takes place. The definitive answer on how to save the marriage will be different for each couple, but I believe there are some universal tips that can help greatly in most situations, so let’s get started.

Even Though You May Well Be Very Desperate To Save Your Marriage, Be Careful Not To Show It: Before we get started, I’d like very much for you to think about something. Let’s say the roles were reversed and you were the one who wanted out of the marriage, but your husband was doing everything in his power to stop this. Let’s pretend that you were patient and understanding about this for a while, but he kept right on with the badgering, the begging, the desperation, and the arguments or debates meant to strong-arm you into changing your mind or to keep you from getting what you really want. How would you react to him? Would he appear attractive to you this way? Would you want to spend more time with him, or less?

Now, I can’t read your mind, but most people are quite turned off by this behavior and the natural inclination is to want to get away from the person and to dig in even harder. I tell you this not to indicate you have a lost cause on your hands (you don’t), but to caution you on how husbands often read desperate behavior. They want to get away as soon as they possibly can and they vow to be less available to you in the future. (My husband eventually completely avoided me when I acted desperately.)

So, the moral of the story is that although I completely understand why you are feeling desperate, it’s important to understand that allowing these feelings to drive you don’t do any good whatsoever. In fact, they are more likely to drive your husband further away.

A Better Way To Get Your Husband’s Attention: Most women who are desperate to save their marriages make the mistake of pulling out all of the stops and the drama – all in an attempt to get their husband’s attention so that he will listen to them. That’s all they want. Just for him to sit down and hear what they have to say. Because you can’t save a marriage if you don’t eventually return communication.

But, first, you’re going to have to change your message. Why? Because he’s learned to block out everything that you are saying right now. He no longer wants to hear why things can change, how much you want to stay married, and how you’ll make him happy if he just gives you the chance. He’s heard this all before and has decided to reject it. No, this isn’t fair, but it’s the reality of the situation and you can change it. But, first, you need to disarm him by changing the message.

The next time the subject of the marriage comes up, calmly tell your husband that you agree with him that the marriage is in real trouble and needs real improvement. But, unlike the countless times before, you aren’t going to promise how you are going to turn it around or how the two of you can “work” on it (men hate to hear the word “work.”)

Instead, tell him that the tension between you hurts you because he is the most important person in your life and you promised to make him happy. Make clear that you don’t know how things will turn out between you, but you’re no longer going to be swimming upstream or fighting your husband on this. Tell him that for your part, you vow to act in such a way that is going to improve your interactions rather than allowing them to continue to deteriorate.

Your husband, in all likelihood, isn’t going to believe this for a second. He is going to think it’s all another ploy. So, you have to do exactly what you said. Your role here is the wife who wants to save her marriage but who hears what her husband is saying loud and clear. So, she’s going to make the best of the situation with dignity and grace. She’s not going to engage or argue. She respects his need to be happy as well as her own. She’s going to respect herself enough to go out with friends, take care of her own needs, and participate in activities that make her happy.

What are you really doing here? A couple of things. Getting out and about will make you feel better and will make you appear less desperate and more attractive. After a while, your husband is going to wonder about this and will probably want to know a bit more. When he does, you need to keep it up. What you want him to see is the fun, lighthearted, self-sufficient woman he first fell in love with. And, you want to present yourself as the calm, rational, loving woman who is in control, but who respects her husband’s need to be happy.

Putting It Together: So, what have we done? Well, at the end of the day, our best-case scenario is a husband who notices that his wife has done a complete 380 without him having to do a thing. Suddenly, he has his vibrant, loving, self-reliant, wife back who values his happiness and respects herself. And, this combination is going to be hard to resist. Because suddenly the woman he fell in love with is standing right in front of him. And she’s not desperate. She isn’t trying to change his mind. She just presenting the most stable, loving, competent version of herself. And it’s highly likely this is the version he wanted all along, but feared was gone forever.

When I was desperate to save my marriage, I made many of the mistakes I discussed in this article based on fear. I stalked, begged, threatened, and generally carried on. Not surprisingly, these things back-fired. Thankfully, I finally came to my senses and was able to save my marriage. That story is at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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