Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I’m going to try to be gently but brutally honest. It is rare for me to dialogue with someone who is separated but completely coping with a sense of peace and contentment. Even if you feel that the separation was the right or only thing to do, most people still struggle emotionally. There’s no easy way to say it. A separation can be a painful time in your life.

Even when you know or hope that the separation might turn out positively, it still hurts to change your living situation, your relationship, and your life so dramatically. It is often incredibly lonely, and sometimes downright scary.

You don’t know what the future will look like. You worry that you will be divorced. And you know for certain that you don’t want to start over or endure the awkwardness of dating strangers. You also don’t want to take the baggage of a failed marriage into the next relationship.

It is no wonder that one of the most common questions that I get concerns the best way to deal with the pain or overcome it.

I have some answers for this. And I came by some of them the hard way. I don’t know if they will work for everyone, but they eventually helped me, once I finally admitted that I needed to be responsible for my own well-being and sense of peace.  It also helped to change my focus on transformation rather than lack.

Don’t Go Through This Alone: I went through a period where I was wallowing in self-pity and negative emotions. I resisted the help and love of everyone close to me, claiming that I would rather be alone. Needless to say, isolation only deepens the pain. Let people in. Let love in.

Here are some additional things I wish I’d known when I was dealing with my own painful separation.

Accept That There May Not Be An Immediate Resolution: One of the things which caused me the largest amount of frustration was expecting things to resolve more quickly than they actually did. I wanted my husband to come home as soon as possible, and I didn’t consider what he wanted or needed. Honestly, at the time, I didn’t care.

The truth is, the separation probably won’t resolve until most of the issues are addressed and/or fixed to the satisfaction of both parties. And this process does take time, not to mention you have to make enough progress where you’re both actually willing to do the work.

Sometimes, the person initiating the separation needs some time and space before they’re even ready and willing to step up to the plate and work with you.

So there can be quite a few hoops to jump through before you begin to make progress.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to take a deep breath and know that you are going to need patience.

Impatience breeds pressure. And the pressure will cause your spouse to pull away even more. Don’t make things harder on yourself by trying to rush.

Do Whatever Is Needed To Bring Pleasure Into Your Life: When I was separated, I started walking. And I didn’t just walk in my neighborhood. I took to walking on pretty trails, and forests, and places I’d never visited before. Walking allowed my brain to focus on lovely things so it could rest. I found a bit of quiet, and peace.

The things that bring us pleasure differ among us. Some people will find pleasure in creating things. Others like to be entertained. I know someone who adopted a puppy. (And he brought much love and laughter into her lonely home.)

Give yourself permission to partake in what you want to do, when you want to do it (and not what you think you should do.) Sometimes I took walks when I thought I should be exercising or journaling. But you know, those walks were every bit as beneficial as what I “should” have been doing. And they gave me something to look forward to.

I was more than my marital status. And you are too.

Get Outside of Your Cocoon and/or Comfort Zone: It is normal to want to wrap ourselves up and lick our wounds all alone. We don’t want to intrude on the lives of our friends and loved ones. We don’t expect anyone else to entertain us.

But when you begin to feel this way, ask yourself if you’d be more than willing to spend some extra time with a separated girlfriend. What if your sister were separated? Would you be willing to invite her out for dinner to raise her spirits?

Of course you would. So always embrace the opportunity to see friends, learn something new, or get slightly out of your comfort zone.

The separation will be a little less painful if you use it for personal growth and try to have some fun every now and then. This isn’t as likely to happen if you stay at home watching Netflix every night.

Let your loved ones love you.

Get Help if You Need It: I feel no shame sharing this. I went through some very dark days during my separation. Looking back, I dwelt on what I didn’t have rather than what I had. I had zero patience, so I couldn’t see that the future might look very different (and better) than the present.

As a result, I had trouble seeing what I had to look forward to or where I should place my marital focus. I felt pretty lost. And I saw a therapist and remained under her care until I felt more stable. This helped tremendously, and I was and am very grateful for this care. Please seek help if you know (or even suspect) you need it.

Try To Become Closer to The Person (and Spouse) You Want to Be: I think we all know that it makes sense to work on ourselves when we are separated. After all, if we’re not willing to grow or improve, we’ve wasted an opportunity to make the separation meaningful.

But many of us only change the external things we believe that our spouse would like to see. Think long and hard about what YOU want to see. Think deeply about what you could do on your end to make your relationship better.

How can you get closer to being the partner that you yourself would like to have? If you can do this, then it’s much easier to sleep at night because you know that you’ve done everything that you can.

There’s peace in knowing that the rest is out of your hands, and you can accept what comes because you know that you’ve put your best effort into this.

Do Your Best and Let It Go: This leads me to the point that I’d like to leave you with. In some sense, there is relief in just letting go. I eventually had to embrace the idea that I could (and would) do whatever I could to put myself in the best position to reconcile. (And I went through several strategies and mistakes before I finally got there.) But beyond this, there was only so much I could do. So when I did, I had to let the rest go.

You are only one of a pair. So only half of this equation comes down to you. Put yourself in the strongest position you can. Don’t allow yourself to suffer loneliness when you can reach out to those who love you.

And then just surrender. When I let it go, that’s when things changed dramatically. And that dramatic change eventually lead to reconciliation.  You can read about that at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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