Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks (mostly wives) who know that their marriage is perched upon a slippery slope. They know that things aren’t going very well. And they are worried that, very soon, their spouse is going to pursue a separation. This is typically the period of time where they’ll start trying to do research on the most common causes for a separation.

They might ask something like: “as silly as it sounds, I’m trying to gauge my marriage right now. I feel like my husband is going to leave me or pursue a separation. It’s pretty clear that he’s very unhappy. The thing is, there isn’t any explosive thing that has happened in our marriage. No one has cheated. No one has lied. We still have basic respect for one another. There is no one earth-shattering event that I can point to. It sounds cliche, but it just seems that we have grown apart. As sad as this is, it makes me feel a little more secure. Because don’t most people separate for very serious things like infidelity? What are the most common reasons for martial separation?”

In my own experience, people separate for all sorts of reasons. They aren’t even always particularly good reasons. And they certainly do not always seem to be earth-shattering. By no means am I an expert, but I do get a good deal of correspondence. Below, I’ll tell you some of the more common things that I see causing a martial separation.

Infidelity, Lies, Or Some Other Form Of Deception: This is, unfortunately, quite common. You often have a marriage in which everything seemed relatively OK until one of the parties makes a huge mistake that showcases their lack of integrity. Sometimes, this is cheating. Sometimes it’s lying. Or it may be some sort of vice like gambling or alcoholism. Whatever it is, it can be something that one or both of the spouses struggle to live with once the marriage has reached that point of no return. It can turn the marriage on its head and make one or both parties question all of their previous perceptions about the marriage.

Some Sort Of Identity Crisis: I hear from a lot of wives who are dealing with husbands who seem to be in a mid-life crisis. It’s very common for people to reach a certain age, look around, and realize that there are some life goals that they just didn’t reach. This makes them reevaluate everything in their life – including their spouse or their marriage. This can happen in otherwise very good marriages. The person in the “crisis” becomes restless, unsatisfied, and questioning. It often isn’t until they’ve risked their marriage or thrown it away that they realize how drastic their actions were.

A Drifting Apart That Turns Into Indifference: People often assume that there has to be some huge event that leads to a separation. But that just isn’t the case. Quite often, it’s just a subtle shift. It’s a distancing that turns to indifference. I often tell people that indifference is more dangerous than the deepest anger. Because at least with anger, there is some emotion involved. With indifference, the emotion has been stripped away and people no longer have any investment.  So it’s pretty easy for them to walk away. I can’t stress enough that if you see this in your marriage, it’s vital to try to address it as quickly as possible. This is one of the toughest things to overcome when you want to save your marriage.

Above are the issues which I think are most common. But this is by no means an exhaustive list. People become disillusioned with their marriage for all sorts of reasons. And since the economy is improving, people no longer feel as pressured to stay with their spouse for financial reasons. And divorce or separation is so commonplace that moral obligations aren’t really a consideration anymore.

I hope this article has been helpful.  Still, I’d suspect that if you are reading this article but not seeing your marriage described here, you might still know that your marriage is in trouble. If that is the case, you really don’t need any article or anyone’s permission to tell you that you are going to want to take some action pretty quickly. Even if you’re wrong, there is no harm in trying to improve your marriage before it reaches the point of no return. And if you are right, then you would have been ahead of the curve. Listen to your intuition. It is better to be a little overzealous than the ignore the warning signs until it is too late.

I was often fond of saying that I didn’t have much warning before my separation. But looking back now, that’s not actually true. I was shocked when my husband left, but if I had been more astute or if I had listened to that little voice in the back of my head, I knew that something was off. I just hoped that it would resolve on its own. Of course, it didn’t. And we separated because of it. The rest of the story is on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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