Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives seem almost sure that their husband has “moved on” after the couple has unsuccessfully tried a separation.  They are often at a crossroads and are trying to decide if they should also try to force themselves to move on.  Many are reluctant to do so because they still want to save their marriage, but they just aren’t sure if this is going to be possible.  One of these wives might say: “my husband moved out about four months ago.  He was the one who pursued a separation.  I was always clear on the fact that I wanted to save our marriage, but he was not.  I thought that I could win him over during the separation.  But I guess this assumption was wrong.  Because almost as soon as he moved out, he started distancing himself from me.  He has all but ignored me.  Little by little, he has moved on with his life.  One of our mutual friends just told me that he put in an offer to buy the house that he is now renting.  Obviously, he doesn’t plan for me to move in with him and I am left with our marital home all by myself.  I am so distraught about this.  My friends and family tell me that it is obvious that he has moved on and that I should try to do the same. I don’t know if I am capable of moving on. Ultimately, I want to save my marriage but every one is telling me that this is impossible.  What do you think? Can a marriage be saved even after one of the spouses moves on?  Or I am dealing with a lost cause?”

I would never call a marriage a lost cause, although I have to admit that the circumstances aren’t overtly promising here.  I will be the first to tell you that when the topic is your marriage, I don’t believe it’s possible to be overly optimistic.  Because if you’re wrong, what do you really have to lose.  Sure, you might have wasted your time or hurt your pride a little, but this is your marriage we are talking about.  Your husband is presumably the person you were meant to be with.  So I  completely understand being reluctant to just let that go.  I certainly didn’t in my own situation.  And, eventually, it did work out for me and I saved my marriage.  I realize that not everyone is this lucky.  I understand that some people ultimately cannot save their marriage.  But, I believe that there’s nothing wrong with holding out hope until you either decide you no longer want to or it becomes obvious that doing so is detrimental to you, which leads me to my next point.

Don’t Allow Your Determination To Save Your Marriage Contribute To Your Putting Your Own Life On Hold:  Sometimes, we become so intent on saving our marriage that we can literally think about nothing else.  Every minute of every day, we are thinking about our husband, what he is thinking, when he is coming home, and how this is all going to end up.  This can contribute to your being stuck and depressed within your own life.  And frankly, when you are in this state, you are sometimes less attractive to your husband and this actually makes saving your marriage more likely.  If I’m being quite honest, when I got to this state in my own life, it was detrimental to me.  I no longer enjoyed my hobbies.  I didn’t socialize with my friends.  In short, hanging on to my husband was keeping me stuck.

So I made a conscious decision to still hope that we could save our marriage while I vowed to begin to live again.  No, I wasn’t going to see other people or start dating again.  But I was going to seek out good friends and the people and things that made me happy.  This created a huge improvement in my life and I firmly believe that it was this change in me that contributed to my husband being open to our marriage again.  This process did not happen over night.  It was gradual.  But I believe that if I continued to remain stuck in my own life, I might not be married today.

Worry Less About Saving Your Marriage And More About Improving Your Relationship:  If saving your marriage is your only goal, this is often very obvious to your husband.  And if he is in the process of moving on, he’s less likely to be open to you. So, often you will need to shift your focus a bit.  Instead of the goal being saving your marriage or nothing else, consider just focusing on improving the relationship, even if it is evolving. This will take a lot of pressure off of the situation.  You can begin to live your life again while still improving and building upon that relationship.  In that sense, you will feel as if you are making progress and your husband will not be as likely to avoid you.

Sometimes, once you improve the relationship, you are eventually able to save your marriage.  People’s intentions change.  Their emotions change.  Their circumstances change.  Just because your husband feels like he wants to move on right now, that does not mean that he will always feel this way.   Sure, there is a chance that he won’t come around.  But you won’t know that if you completely give up.  I personally believe that there is a balance between still holding out hope and beginning to move on for your own well being.  Because you can still begin to move on and maintain room for your husband in your life.

So, to answer the question posed, yes your marriage can sometimes be saved after your husband seems to have moved on or thinks that he has moved on.  As I said, people can change their mind or their perceptions.  Still, I don’t think it hurts to begin to live your life again while you are waiting to see if this will happen.  In fact, it is my experience that doing so will often actually help you to save your marriage.

As I alluded to, I was able to save my marriage, even after my husband insisted that he had moved on.  It wasn’t immediate and it wasn’t easy, but it was possible.  If it helps, you can read my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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