Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who are already separated or who are being pushed to “take a break” from their marriage at the insistence of their unhappy spouse. Often, what these spouses want more than anything is for something to change so that they can reconcile with their unhappy spouse. But when a reconciliation happens seemingly out of the blue without much effort, then they can understandably question the validity of this.

Common comments are things like: “my husband left our home about three weeks ago to pursue a trial separation that I never wanted. I was able to talk him into going to counseling because my goal was always to not only maintain our marriage, but to improve it. Well, every time our appointment rolled around, my husband would find a reason to cancel. I always knew he didn’t want to go to counseling, but I didn’t anticipate him wiggling out of it in the way that he did. Last weekend, my husband and I went out to dinner and we had a lovely time. At the end of the night, we started cuddling and one thing lead to another. The next morning, my husband alluded to wanting to try reconciling. Don’t get me wrong. I am thrilled with this. But when I talked to my mother about this, she said that this reconciliation isn’t ever going to work because nothing has changed between us. She says that because we never actually went to counseling, we are going to suffer from the same old marital problems. I hope that this isn’t true. I hope that my husband realizes that he took me for granted. One of our biggest problems was that our small arguments would escalate quickly into big fights. I am not sure if this is going to change. I worry about this but I would never refuse to reconcile with my husband. I love him too much and this is what I have been hoping for all along. But am I only setting myself up to be disappointed? Can we really reconcile if nothing has changed?”

I didn’t want to dash this wife’s hopes. Some couples are able to make it as long as they make the needed changes after the reconciliation has happened. I know that it’s very tempting to want to put this whole thing behind you as quickly as you can. I understand wanting to pretend like it never happened. But, if you do those things, you run the real risk of allowing the issues to take over again. And when this happens, it is sometimes more difficult to reconcile once again because one or both people can begin to assume that nothing ever changes. So below, I’ll offer some tips on how to make sure that things actually do gradually change so that you can enjoy a successful, and lasting, reconciliation.

Know That Sometimes A Break Can Put Things In Perspective: People in this situation often confess that they can really question why their spouse, who was so miserable before, is suddenly willing to come home and reconcile. They often worry that he figured out how much living alone, or a divorce, is going to cost him. So they suspect that he came back out of worry over money or maybe because of loneliness, but not for any legitimate reasons.

I understand why you might have these concerns. But it’s also true that it’s possible that your spouse genuinely misses you during the separation. And often, having a break can make you see how much you took someone for granted as well as how unyielding your were in your views. Try not to worry so much because there are very legitimate and common reasons that people want to reconcile. And since you now have this opportunity, you can take the actions to strengthen your marriage so that your worries never have to come to fruition.

Address Your Most Troublesome Issues As Your Marriage Can Withstand The Process: Many people understandably want to solve their problems as soon as possible. In this scenario, the wife was understandably very concerned and was taking her mother’s words to heart. But there is a risk of trying to do too much too soon. You don’t want to discourage your husband’s enthusiasm to reconcile by examining everything that is wrong with your marriage rather than celebrating what is right. I do advocate addressing your problems. But I suggest doing this very gradually and tackling more and more once your marriage is once again on solid ground. You want to make sure that you are deeply connected with your spouse before you attempt to tackle very difficult problems.

This couple had an issue with fighting or disagreeing in a negative way. The mother was right that this is an issue that needs to be resolved. It’s unrealistic to think that you will never disagree with your spouse ever again. So it’s vital that you learn to disagree in a healthy way. But you can do this in a very positive and playful way without needing to create a lot of additional conflict. The key is to make sure that the process brings you closer together rather than driving you apart again.

But to answer the question posed, yes, I do believe that you can attempt to reconcile when nothing has changed. And I believe that the excitement over the reconciliation can be a good place to start the healing process. But I also believe that if you don’t eventually address the problems that lead to the separation in the first place, they are only going to crop up again and potentially damage your marriage even more.  So, allow your reconciliation to be the catalyst that inspires some change and improvement.

During my own separation, I have to admit that I would have never have questioned my husband if he had wanted to reconcile.  I would have welcomed with open arms regardless.  But my husband was always very careful about moving too soon.  At the time, this frustrated me greatly, but today, I am glad that we took some extra care.  Because our marriage is now stronger as the result.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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