Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who are very hurt because of some things that happened during their marital affair. Even when things improve dramatically, the doubts can remain. That’s why it’s sometimes attractive to think that you could just start over or begin again. But, while this sounds promising in theory, people often wonder if it’s going to be possible (and healthy) in real life.

A comment that I might hear is something like: “my husband and both agreed to a trial separation but the idea was that it was only going to be for a short time. Well, it went on for awhile because my husband started to date someone else. This hurt me and I retaliated and said some very evil things to him. For a while, we weren’t speaking at all. It looked as if we were going to get a divorce. But one day, I ran into my husband at the market and we went out for coffee and we started talking and never stopped. Eventually, we decided to reconcile. However, when I try to talk to my husband about the other woman and about some of the unsavory things that happened between us during the separation, my husband doesn’t want to talk about it. He says that we shouldn’t look to the past and that we should just start over from scratch. His belief is that we should see this as a brand new marriage because that is what he intends for it to be. He says that we should just forget everything but what tomorrow brings. This all seems very tempting and I wish that I were able to do this. But I do not think that I can just forget that he was with someone else. And I am not sure that I could forget the hurtful issues that lead to the separation. Do any couples successfully just start over after a separation?”

From what I can tell from the comments that I get on my blog, many couples do attempt to start over. But I’ve heard from very few who are completely successful. Because in order to truly be able to start over, you’d have to totally forget what happened in the past. Very few people are able to do this. Sometimes, it’s extremely challenging to just forget about the pain that lead you here. Not only that, but if you just gloss over everything, then you won’t be able to work on the issues that brought about the separation and you could miss out on some improvements that might come out of this. I believe that the better alternative is to examine and attempt to fix the issues without dwelling on them and with an eye toward moving forward. I will offer some tips on how to do that below.

Delay Examining The Past Until Everyone Is Optimistic About The Future: I fully advocate examining and trying to work through your problems. In fact, I firmly believe that if you don’t do this, you run a real risk of your reconciliation struggling because you’re going to keep seeing the same issues crop up over and over again. However, with this said, often the in the initial stages of reconciliation, your marriage is quite fragile. And it may not be able to hold up to such stringent scrutiny. My suggestion is to sort of feel your way. Only try to handle one issue at a time. If things are going well and you are successful, then introduce another issue as your marriage can withstand the same. As you hit resistance, then think about pulling back until your marriage gets stronger and you can try again.

You Can Begin Again With A More Hopeful Attitude And Sense Of New Possibilities: I think that couples can mean two different things when they suggest that they want to start over again. They can mean that they want to erase the past (which is very difficult, if not impossible.) Or, they can mean that they want to great their marriage with a new sense of adventure and romance (which is most definitely possible.) I think that trying to bring a new sense of playfulness and excitement to your marriage is a wonderful idea and something that you should definitely embrace. But there is an important difference between the two. With one, you are trying to deny your past reality. And with the other, you are trying to create a new and better reality. I think that anticipating fresh possibilities within your marriage is a worthy goal. And frankly, this excitement can a long way when you begin your reconciliation.

But with this said, I’m sure there are memories and sweet things from your past marriage that you’d also like to embrace. One of the most wonderful things about being married for a certain period of time is that shared history that you have with your spouse and no one else. This is not something that you would want to deny or give away. So to answer the question posed, I think that you have to walk a fine line when you’re trying to start over after a separation. You have to embrace the good parts of your history while looking forward with anticipation for the future. And, as you marriage is able, you need to revisit those issues that lead you here while not completely denying that they exist.

Frankly, I tried to sell my own husband on the idea of starting over again after our separation.  But he was smart enough to know that in order to solve our problems, we had to face them gradually.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin