Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It’s rare for a couple to go into a marital separation without any concerns and with full confidence that things are going to work out. Many people understand that a separation comes with risk. This is true even if both people agree that the separation might be best or even necessary. One common concern about this type of risk is the length of the separation. Many people worry that if it goes on for too long, feelings will change or the commitment will wane.

Someone might express this concern: “my husband and I are both in agreement to try a marital separation. It took us a long time to get to this point, but now that we have, it seems clear that if we do not take a pause in our marriage, we might divorce as a result. We can not seem to get along in any positive way. It just seems that if we don’t get some distance, things will continue to deteriorate. I honestly hope that we can work it out. That is why I am agreeing to the separation. But I am concerned that it’s going to go on for a long time. One of my coworkers ended up being separated for over a year. They eventually divorced because they grew apart. She admitted to me that after a while, she lost feelings for her husband because she never really saw him. I am very concerned that this will happen to me or my husband. What if the separation goes on so long that I don’t love him anymore? I do love him now, even though we are struggling. But what if seeing him every day is needed to keep our love alive?”

I’ll try to address this as best as I can. I’m not a therapist, but during my own separation, I actually found myself feeling more loving feelings toward my husband.  I missed him desperately, even though I was angry at him for some of that time. However, I was not the one who wanted the separation. That might make a difference. I can not be sure about how my husband felt about me during every phase of our separation. But since we ultimately reconciled, I can deduct that he must have ultimately had loving feelings toward the end.  We had some rough times where neither of us felt loving.  But ultimately, we missed one another.  And that is something that I think many people don’t anticipate.

Your concerns are valid. I had them also and I know that these worries are quite common.  And people do grow apart if they aren’t careful. I think that the best course of action is to try to be proactive and to set it up so that things aren’t just left open ended. Have a standing date to get together. Perhaps you meet for dinners on Sundays. Perhaps you call each other every night before bed to touch base and say good night – even if only briefly. It really helps to agree beforehand that you will see and speak with one another regularly. I understand that this isn’t always possible, but if you can swing it, then that is the ideal.

Even if your spouse won’t make this commitment, try to check in with in as you can. You may have to watch his reactions to you and move forward as is appropriate. If he’s not receptive, sometimes you have to wait. But try not to get into the habit of not communicating for long periods of time.

One way that you can address this and do something really good for your marriage is to have regular counseling. Not only will this likely strengthen your relationship, it also ensures that you see one another regularly in a constructive environment with a professional who is actively trying to keep you on track and encouraging positive feelings.

I know that not every couple is willing to do this. And I’ve seen many couples succeed without it. But it really does address many risks associated with a separation if both people are willing.

If not, then there is still no reason why you can’t be very proactive in trying to stay close to one another and in trying to make progress with your marriage. Yes, sometimes people do drift when they are not actively involved in one another’s lives. But, you can minimize this risk if you do your best to maintain communication. This won’t always be in your control. Sometimes, you will have to move as you are able to, depending on your spouse’s behavior and attitude.

But, you do have control over your own behavior and attitude. And sometimes, the best things that  you can do is to remain positive, to move closer as he allows, and to work on yourself in the meantime. If the separation causes both of you to become stronger and more emotionally healthy, this makes things easier when you reconnect and want to reconcile.

Yes, this all takes work. You can’t leave things to chance. It requires for you to watch closely and to be proactive if you feel your spouse slipping away or if you notice a change in your feelings. Incidentally, it’s normal to feel a feel a wide range of feelings while you’re separated. One day you may miss him desperately. And the next day you may feel angry and resentful toward him. This doesn’t mean that you no longer him. It just means that you’re dealing with a difficult situation.

People do get through this though.  And many separated couples find that their feelings are more often loving and longing. This is more likely if you work hard to stay connected and motivated. Some will even tell you that this process made their marriage stronger. Yes, it takes work and determination. But most people feel that it’s more than worth it.

I am sure there were days when my separated husband didn’t feel connected to or loving toward me.  I had anger toward him sometimes.  But I was determined to stay in touch and to remain as connected as possible.  I didn’t know if we would stay married, but I knew he would always be very important to me and I acted accordingly.  We ultimately did reconcile, so in the end I must have done some things right.  You can read more more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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