Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many of us who have fought to save our marriages have hoped for nothing more than for our spouses to change their mind about the separation or divorce. We figure that all he needs to do is make a conscious decision that he does not want to end the marriage and all will be right with the world once again. However, the idea of this for the spouse pursuing the separation or divorce can be a dilemma that is not so easy to sort out. Spouses who have pursued a divorce and then changed their minds wonder if calling it off is even feasible, and, assuming it is, does that mean it’s the right call?

A wife facing this dilemma might describe this way. “My husband went back to his home town for a bachelor party and this started all kinds of trouble that has changed all of our lives. I didn’t want him to go. The guy who was getting married is just bad news and I had a bad feeling about the whole thing. However, we couldn’t afford for our whole family to go. My husband assured me that he would be responsible if he went alone. My gut was telling me not to let him go. But I did. Honestly, I was most afraid of him getting drunk and cheating. But one of his friends texted me a photo of him driving with a beer in his hand. I was absolutely livid. He is a father. And he was drinking and driving. My husband assured me that he had an explanation for this. He said he was just holding the beer as a joke. He admitted that he was in poor taste but insists he did nothing wrong. I don’t buy this. And I immediately filed for divorce. That was about three weeks ago. A couple of days ago, my husband’s friend who took the picture called me and said that the photo was a gag just to mess with my head and that my husband didn’t do anything wrong. He said that I would be crazy to tear apart my family over a photo that was a joke. I told the friend that it wasn’t just about the photo. It was about the fact that I don’t always think that my husband acts responsibly as a father and family man should. The friend repeated that I was being crazy and that I needed to reconsider. I was angry about this at first. But then I started to think about it. And if the picture really wasn’t indicative of my husband drinking and driving, then maybe I want to rethink my divorce. Can I change my mind? And if I did, would my husband take my request that he act more responsibly seriously?”

Anyone can change their mind. People change their minds about divorce all of the time. This article isn’t going to focus on the legal issues. I am not an attorney. But I’d highly suggest that you direct this question to yours. I know people who have asked their attorney to dismiss their divorce case. But again you should ask your own attorney what it would take to back out of the divorce.

As far as how seriously your husband will take you, I think the key is to make it clear that your calling off the divorce is contingent on him showing you that he is committed to acting responsibly without any exceptions. It wasn’t clear if this was a long standing issue between the couple or if the bachelor party incident was the main rift between them.

If this was a long standing problem (and I would suspect it was since this definitely pushed a button with the wife,) it’s important that you don’t just gloss over it. If you do, it will likely present itself at a later time and perhaps in another way. And, as a result, you might be right back where you are right now. I would suggest being very clear about what kind of behavior you will not accept and making your expectations clear.

But yes, people change their mind about a divorce all of the time. This is true even when they have filed already. This can even be true when they are far along in the divorce process.

The truth is, a divorce is a very big, life altering decision. Many people file for divorce in anger and in haste. But then they calm down or they gain perspective and they realize that perhaps this is not the right thing for them, at least for today. Many decide that perhaps they should at least try to fix their marriage before they take so drastic a step.  So they postpone the divorce and they reevaluate.

So yes, they do change their minds. I don’t think there is any shame in it. In fact, I think it’s much preferable to change your mind and then make whatever changes need to occur in your marriage than to go ahead and divorce and perhaps regret it and pay for that decision for the rest of your life.

My husband did change his mind about our divorce.  And I do not think he has ever regretted it.  But, we used this scare as motivation to completely change our marriage and that was vital also.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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