Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many people are looking for anything that might help save their marriage or change their spouse’s mind about wanting a divorce. Some people have been helped by their pastor and church and they wonder if encouraging their spouse to come along will help to change that same spouse’s mind about the marriage or about ending it.

Someone might say, “when my husband and I started having problems in our marriage, a friend of mine suggested I join her at church, meet her pastor, and participate in marriage classes at the church. I did that and found comfort there. I also learned a great deal from the marriage classes. My husband did not join me and feels awkward in church. I would very much like for him to go with me because I feel like it would change his mind about saving our marriage. Lately, he’s been telling me that he thinks our marriage is a lost cause. He says he has no problem with my spirituality, but his own spirituality is his own business and that I should not try to force my views on him. How do I handle this? Because I feel like if I could just get him to listen to my church group and the teacher in the classes, he would see our marriage so differently.  He says that religion doesn’t have a lot to do with our marriage and our problems. I disagree. I think that with belief in a higher power, anything is possible. Some of my friends agree with my husband. Are they right?”

Religion can be a touchy issue for people. I do not hesitate to encourage someone to participate in whatever gives them comfort and hope. However, I also believe that you shouldn’t force that same thing that helps you onto someone else unless they have asked you to or have shown themselves receptive to it. There are ways to encourage them without being pushy though. I will discuss this more in the following article

While Church Or Religious Counseling Can Help Your Marriage, You Shouldn’t Force This On A Reluctant Spouse Until They Show Interest. (Encouraging Them Is A Different Story:) I do believe that finding the right counselor or outlet can be immensely helpful. Whether you are talking about martial counseling, religious counseling, or personal counseling, I also encourage people to pursue whatever they find helpful to them.

However, if your spouse doesn’t share your enthusiasm (at least not yet) you can do more harm than good by trying to force the same onto them. This can cause resentment or even for them to no longer support your religious comfort. The truth is, you can’t force or make your spouse to do something that they truly don’t want to do. And when to try to do exactly this, you sometimes find that you are doing more harm than good.

But nothing says you can’t offer some gentle encouragement or compromise. You could ask that he attend church with you one time and in return, you would do something with him that he has been wanting to do. In this way, he feels that he is getting something in return and he is more likely to go willingly. And, he might just enjoy himself and want to go again.

Understand That You Don’t Always Have To Go To Church Or Counseling Together For Your Marriage To Benefit: I understood this wife wanting her husband to share in her church experience. And, as I said, he may willingly do this one day if she approaches him in the spirit of compromise. But in the meantime, I felt that it was best that she could continue right on with what was working for her. She was clearly getting a large benefit from her experience in the church and there was no reason for her to stop going simply because her husband did not want to join her at this time.

Believe it or not, working on yourself, your own issues, and your own contributing factors can be immensely helpful even if your husband isn’t joining you are this time. There is actually a lot that you can do to save or change your marriage on your own in the beginning. You can make changes to yourself and can tweak the way that you respond and behave toward your husband. These things can also bring about relief and positively affect the future of your marriage.

Once your spouse sees how much benefit you are getting from embracing your spirituality (and sees that you aren’t trying to strong-arm him,) he may well come around. But until then, your best bet is probably to try to make changes and improvements on your own.

Putting What You’ve Learned Into Actionable Behavior:  No matter how helpful the church has been, your marriage can’t permanently change unless you take what you have learned and put those things into action.  Many things helped me to cope during my own separation. But I was the only one who could actively change my part in my marriage. Myself and my husband were the only ones who could take the actions necessary to make things better.

So yes, religious personnel, counselors, and friends can suggest courses of action for us to take. And sometimes these suggestions are very, very helpful and insightful. But at the end of the day, the only people who can carry out those courses of action are you and your husband. I am not suggesting that you should not see your pastor if it brings you comfort. If your husband agrees to go with you, even better. But, at least in my experience or opinion, to get the maximum benefit out of this, you’ll need to implement the suggestions that he gives you (as well as your own improvements) to ensure that your marriage moves forward.

At least with me, my husband was not going to agree to save our marriage or to reconcile until things got better between us. We both believe in a higher power. But no one but us was going to be able to change our marriage. So while I think that letting a higher power guide you and comfort you is a fantastic idea, I think that you can’t stop there. You must also ask yourself what are the core issues that lead to the separation and then you must fix them. Until you do that, nothing has really changed in your marriage. My husband was not going to reconcile until he saw real and lasting changes. Assuming that your husband is the same way, that might be why he is telling you that religion can’t transform your marriage. I strongly encourage you to embrace anything that makes you feel better. But in terms of reconciliation, that often requires changes that only you and your husband can make. So yes, God and/or religion and faith can help you in multiple ways during your separation, but the spouses involved are usually the people who have the power to truly do the work on their marriage.

When I was trying to save my marriage, I found many resources that helped me greatly. My husband did not embrace these things at first. It wasn’t until I stopped pushing him and he saw the positive changes that I was making on my own that he changed his mind. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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