Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: There’s an old saying which goes: “when you marry someone, you are also marrying their family – their parents, their children, and their siblings.” Of course, when you are deeply in love, you figure that you can handle any extended family that comes your way. And sometimes, families actually get along very well and there is no conflict. But especially in the cases of blended families, things can get complicated and this can negatively affect not only your home life but also your marriage.

Someone might say: “I really wish I wouldn’t have rushed into my second marriage. I love my husband. I really do. But I was so scared of being alone. And I didn’t give him enough time to get to know my children. I just pushed them together and assumed that over time they would grow to love one another. The opposite has happened. They all seem to resent each other. The kids were not happy about the abrupt change in their life and my husband constantly tells me that my kids are brats. I will admit that I sometimes indulge them. But the divorce from my first husband and their father was really hard on them. My husband and I come from different backgrounds. He grew up poor and I did not. He resents it when I spend money on my children or when I want them to receive the best education and extracurricular activity opportunities. He acts like kids just don’t need everything that I give to mine. Of course, my kids resent that he tries to take privileges and extras away from them because of money or resentment. They feel like their father pays child support and I earn my own living, so it’s not my husband’s business what their parents do or do not give them. I suppose they have a point, but this is causing a lot of conflict in the home. No one is particularly happy. Last night, my husband said that perhaps he should ‘bow out’ of our family because he does not feel that he belongs. I asked him what ‘bow out’ meant. He said that perhaps we should separate and divorce because he does not feel respected or valued in his own home and he says that I clearly love my kids more than him. He says our family life is awful and maybe it is better if we just part ways. I can’t believe that it has come to this. I love my husband. I don’t want a divorce or separation, but I can’t deny that blending the family has been disastrous. And it really hurts me that he makes no effort with my kids. He doesn’t even try. He’d rather just ‘bow out’ than to make an effort with them. It really hurts. And I don’t know what to do now.”

Blended Families Can Thrive. But It Takes Work And Compromise: I understand why this is so painful. It really hurts when the people you love the most can not get along for your sake and don’t make the effort. That said, what you are dealing with is not at all uncommon. There are blended families that with a lot of effort,  time, and patience, do make it work. And I would like to suggest that at least giving it one more try to make it work might be worth it. You’ve said that you love your husband. And your children will not be children forever. One day, they will leave your home and have their own lives and families. If you can help it, you don’t want to be twice divorced and alone, assuming that your marriage can be a healthy one.

There is usually someplace where compromise can happen. Yes, both parties have to be willing to give some. But the results can be worth it. For example, it’s reasonable to ask your husband to allow you and your ex-husband to make some parenting decisions (including finances and activities) so long as those decisions don’t negatively impact your husband. It’s also reasonable to ask the kids to respect the wishes of your husband in his own home.

Understand Where Your Kids Are Coming From, But Be Mindful Of Boundaries: I believe that parenting decisions should be left to children’s biological parents when at all possible. Your new husband is not the kids’ father and you can’t blame the kids for not wanting him to make those decisions. They have a father and mother who are capable of that.  There is no need to complicate things by bringing an additional parent into the mix.  At the same time, your new husband loves and lives with you and deserves to be consulted and respected. An important part of this is boundaries. If all parties feel as if their boundaries are being respected, I believe that this situation might improve.

If you’d like to address this with your husband, you might try: “I don’t want you to ‘bow out.’ I want to make our marriage work. But I also want to make our home life work and, right now, that includes my children. They can’t help it that their parents divorced or that their mother remarried. I am trying to make the adjustment easier for them. Making them change their activities and life because you don’t agree with the way that they have been raised in the past is very confusing and upsetting to them. I am going to ask you to allow me to continue to parent them as I always have, as long as it doesn’t disrupt our life. You might not agree with it, but these traditions and patterns were established before we got married. I want to do right by my kids and I don’t think that it’s fair to ask them to stop their activities. Luckily, I still have the financial means to continue on, so it doesn’t affect us. At the same time, I will ask the kids to respect the rules of our home. I think that if we all respect everyone else’s boundaries, our home life might improve big time so that we all enjoy being home. My kids are not bad kids or brats. They are just having a hard time adjusting to a new life that they did not choose. Will you help me to make the transition easier for everyone? I love you and really want this to work. I think that if you took the time to know my kids, you would eventually love them as much as you love me.”

See what he has to say. He may just have been looking for reassurance that his feelings matter to you. Once you’ve made it clear that they do, he may change his behavior somewhat. You’ll want to have this same discussion with your kids.  And, depending on how it goes, counseling could be very helpful here.

It’s very important to try to work this out BEFORE he makes any rash decisions about moving out.  It’s much harder to save your marriage once your spouse moves out.  I learned this the hard way.  I was ultimately able to save my marriage, but it took longer and was more difficult than it had to be.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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